Polyamory - A Love Story

1) My wife has a boyfriend.

2010-03-16T16:52:00.019-04:00

And oh yeah, I have a girlfriend. OK, I'll explain.

Well, I think I can safely assume, that as a group, we're definitely more comfortable with being 'closet Polyamorous'. By now, each of us have probably told a close friend, or two, about what we're doing - I know I have - but to come out publicly with family and co-workers?....nah, that's something I don't think any of us are prepared to do. Not yet anyhow. So for the meantime, I'll just pick some pseudonyms for each member involved and give you a quick background before I get to the gist of things. Here we go....

Couple #1
That would be me, Marco, and my lovely wife, Jasmine. High school sweethearts now in our early thirties, married with two children (boy and girl - both elementary school age). We both hold down what society deems as 'blue-collar' career type jobs. All in all, I'd like to say we're your average working class and happily married couple. We don't always see eye to eye, but we love each other very much.

Couple #2
Our other half, as we like to call them, would be Ramon, and his gorgeous wife, Joanne. They've been together almost as long as us - they hooked up a few years after high school. They're also married, are in their early thirties and coincidentally have a son and daughter pretty much the same ages as our own. They're also working class people and have a very passionate relationship with each other as well.

Under normal circumstances, we all probably would've never met due to distance alone. They both work and live in NYC, meanwhile my wife and I work and live in New Jersey. Sooooo....how did we all end up together? And why in the hell are we sharing each others spouses to begin with? Well I'll tell you.

I won't bore you with every intricate detail as to how we met, but thanks to this classy establishment out in Long Island, the Manor, we hooked up with the intent of 'swinging'. Yes, after years of flirting with the concept, Jasmine and I decided to finally to go out there and 'just do it' - ok, ok that was corny but you get the idea. We saw them, they saw us, we mingled, drank, danced, one thing lead to the next and before you know it we left the Manor, they got a room, we had a mini-orgy, then come morning Jasmine and I drove back to Jersey .... so we could get some sleep. It was great! We talked about the whole experience afterward and realized that we never exchanged phone numbers or if it was even appropriate to ask...we were newbies to the swinging 'scene' after all. Anyhow, a couple of months passed and we bumped into them at another party - this time in the city. I remember Jasmine and I being really excited to see them again and once the ladies started chatting, the sparks started flying. We didn't 'play' that night, but we all talked, had some good laughs and this time we made sure we exchanged phone numbers. That night was the start of something very special for us.

So what probably would've been chalked up as nothing more than a wild and extremely memorable night, for any couple bold enough to experiment with the swinger lifestyle, has somehow evolved into this exclusive and intimate group relationship. Let me just briefly clarify that both of us men are Straight and yet somehow lucky enough to be married to not only very beautiful but also fully bi-sexual wives. You gotta appreciate that! Ok, so before I come off as some kind of chauvinist pig or some horn dog who is more than happy to share his wife in order to bag another man's wife.....let me assure you that is not the case. In fact, I probably am not the most ideal type of person for the Swinger, much less Polyamory, lifestyle as I will reveal in due time.

Now, more than a year after our initial encounter, here we are. And what was once this super-exciting, roller coaster of sexual escapades... something that started out as weekend hangouts-turned-passionate nights, escalated into endless back & forth emails, phone calls and text messages between his wife (who in time 'became' my girlfriend) and I, him and my wife (now his girlfriend), then evolved into a more serious relationship filled with plenty of fun outings with our kids, mid-week family game/movie nights, weekend camping trips, then highly romanticized talks of future plans together.....has now landed in murky waters. To be blunt....things are fuckin' awkward as hell right now.

This is not the first time we've been in a slump, but it definitely is the worst. I've been racking my brain for days now trying to figure how I might've mishandled things, what could I have said/done differently, and every other type of thought one has when things are not looking so good in their relationship. Mind you, there is no "Polyamory for Dummies" we can refer to for help...not that any of us could find anyways. Hell, at first none of us were even aware that there was an actual word for what we were doing. We just considered ourselves swingers exclusive to each other....who knew feelings would come into play? Once that happened....forget it, we started questioning everything. Is this right? Should we be doing this? What if someone falls too hard for the others spouse? Then, we all started feeling comfortable with the idea...in fact, we even relished the whole situation. We thought we were some kind of next-gen swingers or the next evolution of humans, Mankind 2.0. Ok, that's a bit of a stretch.....but we were excited about all this. And although we all felt like we were crossing uncharted waters without any idea of how much further everyone was willing to go....everyone seemed brave enough to give it a shot. What a journey it's been. When things were good, it was great! And not to sound cheesy, but we've shared some moments that I'll remember for the rest of my life. But alas....this. It's like the batteries died.

Things have gotten so bad, we recently met for lunch - dinner wasn't even an option - in order to discuss ways we can try to resolve our current - and shitty - situation and hopefully get back to how things were...when everything was fun. It's been a couple days since, and for the first time ever we decided we'd try going to the movie theater, Brady bunch style. But in my opinion - going to the movies is the easiest way to spend time together while completely avoiding conversation. Even the way we sat in the row was distant (all four kids in the middle - while they sat on one end and we sat on the other)...real romantic right? So apparently the agreed upon 'starting fresh with a clean slate' idea is not working so well. At least from my point of view. Somehow we gotta get out of this rut we're in.

I am willing to give this relationship the utmost effort to make it last, as I have grown to love Joanne very much and I know Ramon loves my Jasmine. The women must love both of us men very much as well or else I couldn't imagine either one willing to endure so much drama for this long. The problem, as far as we all see it, stems from his and my insecurities and jealousies (although we both like to use the infamous 'male ego' as our excuse...I suppose it does sound more masculine). More on that later though.

I'm sure the light bulb will go on in somebody's head as to how we proceed from here. The closest comparison I can make to the current mess we're in....would probably be the first year of living with my wife. Damn, that was a rough year...it definitely took lots of love to make it past that with our relationship fully intact, and I'd dare say stronger. So being that we all don't live together, I'm confident we'll come out of this just fine and get on with the business of happiness - how a family is supposed to. After all, each one of us choose this....we wanted this and I very much still do. I hope everyone else does as well...it's just gonna take some work.

Flunk - Personal Stereo

2) Polyamory everywhere.

2010-03-15T09:17:00.011-04:00

I like to consider myself a diligent, if not world-class, Googleologist...especially when it comes to my insatiable passion for discovering new music. But this past week I've been scouring the internet something fierce - bluntly put, I've been Googling my ass off - all in the pursuit of becoming a more informed Polyamorist. Lo and behold, I've stumbled onto several resources dealing with Polyamory; books, blogs, podcasts, Facebook profiles, and even matchmaker sites tailored for this lifestyle. There's a whole smorgasbord of this stuff out there. Of course, some of it I find to be too spiritual - basically full of shit – because I don’t see what’s so spiritual about all this. I’m not some wannabe, free-loving hippie on a mission to prove that Monogamy is unnatural. I’m just your regular, everyday, trash talking, Heineken drinking, hardworking, family man. That’s right folks…I’m just your average dude; only a slight bit more open-minded than most when it comes to sharing.

But anyways, you can imagine my surprise upon finding such an online 'community', considering that for a while I thought Joanne, Ramon, Jasmine and I were this super-rare breed of humans. Wow, so there are others out there doing the very same thing as us...I guess we're not so different after all. It makes me wonder why I haven't taken the time to Google all this sooner, then maybe the Fantastic Four (yes, occasionally I refer to the group as that) could have possibly avoided some very stressful times. But then again, maybe it's all for the best. Maybe we need to work through the seemingly never-ending turmoil in order to solidify our union, get past this 'Fuckfest Utopia' mindset and become not only a credible but also a very sustainable group relationship. Mind you, everyone in the group has clearly stated that they’re in this for the long haul and that it’s not just about sex. Ok cool – but then how come it still feels like it is at times? I’ll explain why I feel this way later. Before I forget…I would like to give a special shout to Polygrrl. I find her blog, about her own experience with Polyamory, to be very insightful and definitely worth taking the time to check out - if you haven’t already done so.

Mick Boogie & Adele - First Love

3) Has it really been that long?

2010-03-14T13:43:00.019-04:00

Wow, how time flies. Admittedly, I've been negligent toward this blog for fear of becoming the Polyamoric version of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh...you know, the ever-miserable buzzkill forever sulking in self pity. As stated before, I'm a relatively outgoing person who loves to joke around, pop junk, and enjoy life. But this friggin group thing.....damn, damn, damn.....it's frustrating the shit out of me. Ok, so here's the latest - my group's relationship (or what's left of it) is still suffering. Actually it is now worse than ever due to a huge fallout between the women. That was about a month ago and now they aren't communicating with each other at all.

Ironically, us men have been taking turns keeping in touch, via text messages, throughout this ridiculously long silent treatment. I can sense his frustration in not chatting with my wife/his girl Jasmine for all this time; and truthfully I'd much rather be chatting with his wife/my girl Joanne. So either we both have enough sense to set our egos aside and keep some kind of connection during these trying times or we're both foolishly optimistic while in denial of our inevitable failure. Either way, I'm sure any sensible bookie would place 1000 to 1 odds on our chance of surviving this mess, cause right now we are one sorry bunch. But anyways, after a couple weeks of trying to 'stay busy' and trying to keep my mind preoccupied with life in general.... I'm ready once again to tackle the subject. Like Jay-Z used to say "I'm focused, man." Ok, so let's go.....

I will describe the details of the evening leading up to the 'cat-fight', along with many other highlights in forthcoming posts. But first I think this is an opportune time to shed more light on our individual backgrounds and personalities. Let's begin with him.

Ramon is a mild-mannered, considerate, quiet but very observant type of a guy. He can chill the whole night, barely mutter a few sentences but days later be able to recount what everyone said and/or did. He's the nurturing type who thrives off people's happiness (especially his wife and kids) by being able to cater to their wants and needs. The adults could be in the middle of a card game and he'll step away for a few minutes to help his daughter get past a level she's stuck on while playing the Nintendo DS. He is also obscenely thoughtful and has on many occasions surprised Jasmine and I with gifts - ranging from a dessert cake for family-night dinner which had the words 'One Love' written in icing.....to shot glasses, with our initials engraved, meant for toasting our first night of camping together.

Ramon is also fiercely devoted to the company that employs him, which he's been with almost since his teenage years. He started as a helper and hustled his way into management. Now the guy dons a suit & tie, has an office, and I'm assuming a nice salary - but his promotion also comes with the heavy price of enduring a monstrously time-consuming work schedule (sometimes requiring his presence of a month straight with no days off). There's been a few occasions where we made plans to hang as a group only to later find out he won't be getting out of work until late night. So Jasmine and I would meet up with Joanne and party on his behalf until he finally arrived. Mind you, there have been many instances where he was scheduled to work early the next day (sometimes 5AM) and yet he would show up eagerly intent on partying it up, even though the poor guy was visibly exhausted. So what's a sleep-deprived man to do if everyone else in his crew is in full party mode? Down a couple of Red Bulls of course...and that's exactly what he would do.

After a while, his pattern of refusing to waste his life away, by opting out of catching up on much-needed sleep, became well known to Jasmine and I. So we added Red Bull to our bi-weekly grocery list and kept the stuff stocked in our fridge for whenever him and Joanne came to visit us at our home. Jasmine thinks it's an unhealthy drink and prefers he stay away from that 'crap' - as she calls it. It wasn't until she experienced first-hand that Ramon plus late night partying minus the Red Bull equals Ramon dozing off on the sofa while the rest of us are wide awake.....that she resigned to the idea of maybe letting him drink them a necessary evil. But the highly caffeinated beverage, which 'gives you wings', isn't the only vice Ramon has. Oh no. In fact, he is an avid connoisseur of Cannabis sativa. Yes, that's right....homeboy likes him some weed. His preferred method of intake? Through his finely rolled Blunt Wraps of course; and he's pretty good at rolling I must admit. Also, I might add, he never shows up with a mere dime-sack or two. Hell nah. This dude routinely shows up with a humongous baggie filled with trees. Enough to make one wonder exactly what percentage of his monthly budget does 'Recreational Nature Appreciation' actually take up.

Ah yes....the 'other man' in my wife's life is a nice fellow indeed. Too nice if you ask me. For you see, it's his nice-guy persona that his wife, Joanne, exploits. She reaps the benefits of his seemingly hardwired need to cater to his family and in return she.....well, she enjoys the benefits. The scales of reciprocating one's admiration and appreciation toward their lover are noticeably unbalanced in their relationship. He knows it and yet he spoils her on a continual basis. He tries to release his frustration out on her by being overtly aggressive when it comes to sex. But this Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde approach only benefits her even more because she loves being dominated. She absolutely loves it. I witnessed it during group play. The man is a beast in that department; and I mean that with the highest regards. Seeing his wife sexually pleased then makes him happy all over again. Recognize a cycle here? This makes for a very passionate yet very volatile relationship.

The bottom line is Ramon is a very likable and admirable person. With a height of six feet and an overall burly appearance, I'm sure he could be an intimidating dude......if he chose to carry himself as such. Instead, he has a warm and caring heart which makes him a big 'ol Teddy Bear. I see that he is trying his best to lead an honorable life; always there for his family and job. I suppose he wants what any decent, hard working person wants....to know that his efforts are not only noticed but appreciated. I always wondered if maybe he smoked so much weed in order to help alleviate the stress of his demanding lifestyle. If so,....blaze up Ramon...blaze up. This track is for you.

Steve Miller Band - Fly Like An Eagle

4) Mr. Marco, please step up.

2010-03-13T20:21:00.007-05:00

Might as well get the two dudes out the way first right? After all, the center figures of the entire relationship are the women. They're the reason Ramon and I get jealous, insecure, and all worked up over. So I think it's only fitting I save them for last and undoubtedly give them more shine. Besides, when it comes down to making things more lively in any aspect....both men pale in comparison to either of the women.

Ok, I think I'll begin by calling myself a geek. Why not? Sure, the attire I'm most comfortable in (which normally consist of a crisp pair of loosely-laced Timberland boots, loose fitting jeans, stylish t-shirt, an ever so slightly-cocked fitted baseball cap, and a shiny timepiece for good measure....might suggest otherwise. Sure, my usage of slang and the occasional curse word mixed in with my daily dialect (such as the word dope, used to describe something I like - "Those jeans are dope"; and the word mu'fucka, used to describe any random person - "Yo! You saw what that mu'fucka just did?!")....might also suggest otherwise. And I suppose my tendency to blast my music, (whenever my kids are not in the car of course) while I drive through the rundown part of the city I reside in....may suggest otherwise as well.

I admit, upon first impression I could easily be written off as nothing more than common ghetto folk. Ah, but I possess a rare trait among common ghetto folk....that is I read books....and actually enjoy doing so. Yes people, it's true. Ok, ok, I'm being a wise ass. But in all seriousness, I spend a good portion of my free time reading. Whether its books I purchase or the various blogs I happen to come across doesn't matter to me. As long as I learn something, I can dig it. Oddly enough, I also find much satisfaction in listening to AM radio talk shows - particularly those found on WWRL. I actually prefer tuning into this stuff over the commercial music stations on FM radio. Kind of weird for a music buff such as myself, don't cha think? I even try to extract as much insight & knowledge as I can from conversations with some of the older folk at my job. My wife tells me it's because I'm a Gemini that I have this constant craving for new information. Maybe so, although I don't place too much thought to all that Astrology Mumbo Jumbo. So.... it is because of these and several other quirks, that I shamelessly call myself a geek.

As far as employment goes, I work at a respectable government agency, making a decent buck I suppose. But my lack of a formal higher education coupled with my ambition, for a lifestyle more suited to my taste, has lead me to subsidize my income by....let's just say illegitimate means. No, I'm not a part-time street pharmacist nor claiming to be one. No siree! Your boy is technologically savvy, so instead I found myself a nice little niche. Might as well leave the coke-slinging to all those mega-rich rappers who live in big, fancy homes and tour all over the world....yet somehow, still be in the hood putting in that work. But anyways, it was this extra source of income that allowed me to save up a sizable down payment toward my current home and also helped to cover my monthly household expenses while my wife was attending school full-time. Now she works in the Healthcare industry making more money than me. Ain't that some shit? Before my current career track I was all over the place; from a six-year stint in the Army (for which I proudly served and received an Honorable Discharge) to some pretty shitty ass jobs. The worst was when I drove trucks for a meat-rendering company. Not only was it disgustingly foul smelling work...but damn near all my co-workers were ex-convicts. Definitely not the type of job I would admit to doing at the time. But the money was good and I did what I had to do to support my family right?

I'd like to think I'm a good husband, father and friend; but then again, who doesn't? Personality wise, I'd say I'm mostly reserved and lean toward being quiet until I feel comfortable enough around people to let out my cocky side. Once I consider someone 'cool peoples'....forget it, there's not much I won't say to their face. As pointed out by my girl, Joanne, who once told me that I like hear myself talk, I sometimes go on these spells of 'know-it-all' rants. I don't mean to annoy, but I guess I get caught up trying to break up the monotony of my mostly laid-back demeanor. By the same token, I like joking around and broadcasting nonsense - such as reminding everyone in my group that, "I am the brains of this operation". Trust me, swagger is a trait I carry in abundance. But, apart from those types of moments, I'm mostly a mellow dude. I'm a good listener and someone who people seem to like enough to wanna confide in. I detest phony people and so I make it a point to never become one myself. Maybe that's why I speak so bluntly at times. (Although I suspect this is one of my qualities that irritates Ramon.)

I try to be as best a friend and romantic as I can to my wife. I won't pretend I'm some sort of Mr. Wonderful. I do have my share of thoughtless and selfish 'guy' moments I admit. But I respect the sanctity of our marriage and do put forth the effort to let her know how much I cherish her. Whether it's a small gesture like a simple text message letting her know I was thinking of her while working, or something more passionately involved such as taking Salsa dance lessons with her. I put in the work. In fact, the way I make love to her is slow and sensual yet somehow intense enough to make us both break out in a sweat. Truthfully, I wish I could be more aggressive sometimes and put it on her like a porn star.....but I guess it wasn't in the cards for me. Damn. Fortunately though, she's expressed her great satisfaction plenty enough for me to know I must be doing something right. <---- Note the contrasting performance styles of both men....as it's been an ongoing issue that affects the entire group.

All in all, I would say I'm not a bad guy. I stand 5'8", keep relatively well groomed and remain actively conscious of whether or not I have fresh smelling breath. I gotta say though....as much Heineken as I consume on a weekly basis, I'm impressed by the remarkably slender physique I've been able to maintain. That's right folks, no beer belly here. Then again, it's probably because I was naturally predisposed to be a stud. Don't get it twisted though, it's no easy feat being this charming, and this handsome, and oh yeah....this modest. Ok, ok, I think that's enough of my wise ass self-praising. Seriously though, if you've read up to this point and find me to be likable - then I'm sure you wouldn't be disappointed in person. Enough said, right? Now then....for my musical selection I need something funky; something with some umph; something to reflect the diddy bop I carry myself with. How about some.......

Slum Village - Things You Do (Remix)

5) Whoah!

2010-03-12T07:34:00.008-05:00

Ideally, this entry here should be about one of the women. Duh....it only makes sense, right? Trust, my next one will be. But for now, I wanted to share an interesting rant I came across while mining for some Poly-insight.

Now this posting here, as you can see for yourself, is a fairly long one. But it so piqued my interest that I couldn't help but to keep reading until I finished the whole thing. The shit was ridiculously intense; imagine the movie Kill Bill. Now imagine Uma Thurman ten times more pissed off. Except in this version, Uma is a Poly Secondary going after Primaries. Stick with me on this. If rants could be turned into fight scene choreography - then somebody would have to nominate the author, Joreth, for some kind of award. Seriously. I don't give a shit what....an Oscar, MTV Moon Man, Kids' Choice Award......something. Cause by the time I was done reading, all I could think was "Dammmmmn! Now THAT'S what the f*ck I'm talking about right there!" I was ready to go outside and pimp slap the first Primary I met.

Ok, I'm being a wise-ass as usual. But seriously, due to my particular type of quad relationship, I find myself intrigued by the perspective of both Primary and Secondary Poly folk. Why? Well, because.....technically I'm both. Primary to my wife and Secondary to Joanne, am I not? (I mean, I'm courting the woman married to the man courting my wife.) The same goes for the other three; we all play dual roles. It's no wonder we're all screwed up. And to think we each wanted the freedom to branch out and begin our own V relationships as well. I'm only kidding! Just kidding folks.

Anyways, for anyone else who took the time to read through Joreth's entire rant - pretty good stuff eh? Well until next time, Arrivederci! Joreth, this tune's for you....

Daughter Darling - Dust in the Wind

6) Sexy Brown Legs.

2010-03-11T16:39:00.007-05:00

Yes indeedy. It is now time move on to the spice and seasoning of what would otherwise be my bland quad-arrangement....the women. But before I begin, I would like to give a quick shout out to all the kind people over at Polyamory Percolations. I might need a late pass - as I'm sure they're a staple to the online Poly community, due to the informative and friendly nature of the site. But for anyone who has yet to....I highly recommend you check them out; you'll be glad you did. By the way, thank you Natja for putting me on to them. Ok now, let's do this. Shall we?

This particular entry will focus on the outlandishly witty, insanely sexy, and most compassionate woman I have ever known. The lady who has had my heart since the days of cutting class and having no responsibilities in life (with the exception of bringing home good grades and keeping my room clean)....my beautiful wife, Jasmine. I'll start by pointing out that she's a bit apprehensive about being herself in front of new faces, that is until she feels she's amongst 'phony free' company, then she's all the rage. See unlike me, Jasmine is one of those 'Life of the party' types. At social functions, I'll be carrying on as usual with the fellas, shooting the shit, just chillin....nothing spectacular going on where I'm at. Across the room though, Jasmine has the girls laughing it up, having a grand 'ol time, with her crazy antics and off-the-cuff brand of humor.

She has a knack for saying/doing some off the wall shit. For example, one morning I woke up right before she did and so I turn to her to tell her "Good morning." Her reaction? She quickly scoots away in a jerking motion, almost like she's having a seizure, puts her hand over nose and blurts out "Fuck babe! Your breath smells like sweaty giraffe nuts!" Now, you might wonder how the hell would she know what sweaty giraffe nuts smell like - but trust me, that's just the type of stuff she comes up with. Most recently, she's been coming home from work with her 'all-the-sudden' Southern accent and saying stuff like "Get!" in place of "Excuse me." And for no reason, other than she thinks most of them are assholes, she has a strong resentment toward cops. So occasionally, while driving past one, she'll boldly give 'em the middle finger and say some crass remark - her favorite being "Fuckin dickhead!" Ah yes....the woman never ceases to amuse. But don't let her know that. She'll probably give you some sarcastic response like how she once told me, "I'm so glad you find me amusing. That's why I married you babe. So I can be your....What do you call those clowns who entertain the King?...Oh yeah, so I can be your jester. Anything else I can do to make you happy? Your majesty?"

Smartass.

Yeah, she has her share of animated moments; but, unlike any other woman I suppose, she also has a soft, emotional side. She is prone to shutting down and becoming extremely quiet (let's say due to an argument that we lost control of. Or more than likely I wouldn't shut up about.) Times like that is when she'll put in her ear buds, hit play on her MP3 player, and keep busy either by doing house chores or by doing some exercise. One trait you'll never hear me complain about, is Jasmine's self-conscious efforts to maintain her figure; that and her impeccable yet thrifty fashion sense. She's a champion bargain-hunter with a weakness for shoes. In fact, her shoe collection has gotten so massive that she has been determined in trying out her best brain-washing tactics on me - in hopes of convincing me that I really don't need my own closet. Yeah, she even pulled the classic Magician routine - standing there with a cheesy grin, saying "Ta-da!"; so I could bear witness to my exaggeratedly squooshed wardrobe, and piled-high shoes that she so masterfully rearranged in order to demonstrate the amount of closet space I waste. Yeah, she's a piece a work....crazy ass.

Jasmine is also the ever caring mom & wife, always concerned about the welfare and happiness of our kids and I. She'll come home tired from being on her feet all day at work, go into her daily ritual of a long hot shower followed by a brief nap, then wake up to prepare dinner for us all. Now although I've volunteered to split the cooking duties, she'd much rather have me help her maintain the cleanliness and appearance of our home (for which I am more than willing to do because I can not stand being surrounded by the slightest filth.) She makes it a point to converse with each of us individually throughout the evening and especially as a family at the dining table. Once dinner is ready, all personal activities must stop immediately. Trust, no one in this house can complain that they don't get enough time or attention from her.

She is also very sensual to say the least; and has no problems expressing her desire when in the mood. Add a couple of drinks into the equation and I'd swear she was a stripper or maybe a belly dancer in another life - cause she'll have this certain sexual swagger a la Catwoman type presence; even performing the occasional chest-bite (although much to my painful dislike.) And honestly, there's times where she is by far the more aggressive one in bed, which in turn leaves me feeling skeptical of my ability to fully satisfy her. Whenever she gets this super-aroused, she wants me to put it on her something fierce. As stated earlier though, going buck wild in the sack is not my forté.....I've been the slow & intimate, lovemaking type since the day I lost my virginity to her. I know this. She knows this. And so to both our benefit, she'll impulsively play the relentless Rodeo Girl. And wow! Wow, wow, wow! Yup, she's a handful alright.

Jasmine never stops letting me know she loves me, even when she's supposed to be disgusted/upset with me. I remember getting into a huge argument with her some years back....I'm talking 'first apartment/pre-kids' days. I don't remember what the hell we were fussing over....but I remember being furious at the time. So I grabbed my keys, slammed the door and headed toward the parking lot to get in my car. Jasmine followed and I saw her heading toward me but I was already intent on going for a drive (to get away, calm down, or whatever.) So I start up the car and begin pulling in reverse. She catches up and pounds on the driver side window. I remember her crying and asking me to stop being an ass and for me to park the car; that even if I don't wanna talk to her, I should go back upstairs and sleep it off. Of course, the immature & insensitive 20 something that I was, I say something stupid/hurtful and decide to put the car in Drive to take off. So what does she do? Jump on the hood of the car, of course.....and refusing to let go, until I park and go back upstairs. I slow down and come to a stop. I got more pissed, due to possible dents and scratches she might've caused, so I said some more stupid shit, but....Ok, fine. She won. I pull back into my parking spot, shut off the car, get out, close the door and finally she gets off the hood. We both went back upstairs and that was that. I brought up this anecdote to help illustrate the type of devotion she has. Through thick and thin, even now with this whole messy situation between us and our other half, Ramon and Joanne.

Soooo....this vivacious and sultry soul, who has shown me what it is to experience true love, is one helluva woman. She stands one inch shy of us being equal in height; and is the Ying to my sometimes emotionally handicapped Yang. A city girl to the core, full of spunk and swagger; yet possesses more than enough poise & grace to shut up any would-be judgmental upper class snob. She's bad. She's good. She's fun. Am I a lucky guy? Hell to the yes! My love for her is unwavering and I can only hope, if there is a beyond, that our bond transcends this life into the next. I love you baby! So now, a song to speak on my behalf....

Dwele - A Few Reasons

7) Dear reader,

2010-03-10T09:26:00.011-05:00

I realize that sometimes I may come off pompous - as if I had millions of readers eagerly waiting for my latest entry. Trust, that is not my mindset. I don't think my story is so unique, nor any more compelling than that of the next person - Polyamorous or not. It's just I'm trying my best to make light of my current predicament...and I find ~~writing~~ blogging therapeutic. So I approach it in my usual and confident manner - with some pep. And to be honest, I'd rather not join the ranks of depressed bloggers contributing to an already gargantuan mountain of sad break-up stories. I gotta be more than optimistic about my situation. I gotta be confident, damn near arrogant about it. Otherwise, I'd only be helping to reinforce the idea that Polyamory can't work.

To the diehard Monogamist. I see you. I picture you waiting for the collapse of yet another failed attempt at Polyamory, so you can stand there all smug like, "See? I told you it doesn't work."
To which I reply, "Stay tuned. We shall see."

I, for one, happen to think Monogamy is great. My marriage to Jasmine is testament to that. It's a beautiful thing indeed to find someone you are so deeply in love with that you plan on spending the rest of your life with them. An elderly couple, together for decades and still madly in love, is something to envy no doubt. There's no denying they give us something to aspire after. Hence, movies such as Notebook are considered all-time favorites; and anyone lucky enough to be in that kind of relationship has a pretty sweet deal. All props due. But if love can be shared beyond the norm of two people - and everyone involved is happy - perhaps even happier for it; then I'd say that's a pretty sweet deal too. Wouldn't you? Alas, some people are not so fortunate, and instead spend their entire Monogamous life, in one relationship after another....all in the never ending pursuit of true love. Elusive as it may seem, they never give up. Can you blame them? Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. And yet, as often as this happens - you don't hear the average person belittle Monogamy with, "See? I told you it doesn't work."

Life. To each his own.

I try my best not to subscribe to conformity. Not because I'm trying to champion a cause or feel I'm some sort of rebel going up against the 'Machine', but because I strongly believe "Life is what you make it." I chose to explore Polyamory - before I knew there was a word for it; before I discovered that it was a lifestyle practiced by many. Jasmine and I stumbled into it, as previously mentioned. But now that I know there are others - do I feel I'm more bold? More passionate? Or more enlightened than the next man? No. No. And no. I'm just living out my life the best way I see fit - so long as my wife and kids are also leading happy lives.

Will my quad work out in the long run? Man, I don't know. If my intuition was that keen, I would've probably begged, borrowed and stole to put down some serious moolah on Google back when they first went public. But I'll be damned if I don't give this all I got. I'm going for the gusto. All the while, I will continue to be my usual cocky, trash-talking, good-spirited self and more than likely my writings will reflect such. Therefore, I would like thank everyone who actually finds this blog interesting enough to spend time on (whether you regularly follow or not). Thank ya. You are too kind.

Your boy Marco, signing off.

Mutemath - You Are Mine

8) Tantalizing Heart.

2010-03-09T10:42:00.024-05:00

Last but definitely not least. The ever fascinating, unapologetically brash, and by far the most hedonistic one of the bunch....my sexy girl, Joanne. Yes, she is quite the eye candy I must admit; and carries herself with the type of confidence that usually comes with such beauty. No, not conceit but confidence. It permeates her personality. Add to that the right mixture of street smarts, a stubborn yet caring spirit, a sassy mouthpiece and you have yourself the veritable and dare I say epitome of a 'Brooklyn girl'.

Joanne has no qualms with the life she's lead. On her own since the age of 16, she jumped headfirst into the real world; even serving a short stint as a dancer. Yes, the exotic kind. Since then, Joanne has tried her hand at a few jobs until finally taking the educational plunge and eventually finding herself in a suitable and very respectable vocation. A move that had her on a nice career track for the past couple of years. But alas, her employer was not immune to the crippling effects of our current economic recession and so our Joanne has fallen victim to the wave of massive lay-offs. This turn of events doesn't seem to bother her though, as she is still the vibrant woman Jasmine and I have come to know.

Joanne is definitely the loquacious one amongst us. On occasion, this trait has caused her to reveal things that the mostly laconic Ramon would have preferred they kept to themselves. She doesn't do it out of spite, it's just her nature. She just lets the stuff out. For instance, in the beginning if Jasmine and I didn't hear from either one of them in a few days, I would call Joanne to see if everything is OK. So I'd ask the usual, "What's up babe? Everything good?" And she'd respond, "Yeah. Me and Ramon are fighting. Same shit as always. We aren't talking. I don't give a shit though. He's busy being Bob Villa. What's up with you?"

Now, tidbits like that have always been a strain on the group because then Jasmine and I would fall back, stop with the texting and phone calls out of respect; in order to give them time to sort things out. So a few days turn into a week - and now the weekend is shot. Back then we were only getting together every other weekend, due to Jasmine's work schedule.

But anyways, I'm getting sidetracked.

When she wants, Joanne puts her sexy yet thrifty fashion sense to work. The end result? Exquisiteness....times two. Oh, and even though she always seem to lose one, the waterfall style earrings she favors only accentuate her beauty that much more. But appearances aside, Joanne commands attention. She has a very distinct laugh that sounds cute and funny at the same time. Sometimes the sound of her laughter makes a joke or hilarious moment even funnier. And when she's in one of her jolly moods, she is quite the bubbly personality. A joy to be around. Definitely 'Cool peoples' in my book, regardless of whether or not she was my girl. Put her and Jasmine together in the same room and you're in for some good times. That's without drinks. With?....ah man, you got yourself a party now. I'm talking bonafide fun-o-rama. Yup, they're great just being PG. The more explicit, grown and sexy stuff is bonkers.

One of the greatest experiences I've ever had was being audience to them two caught up in a very erotic and sensual love making scene. Right there, live. In my home no less. See, the lights were dim, candles spread all throughout the basement, the music was seductive and perfect, and the women are making out. Then slowly, they start removing each others clothing. Their hands and lips are all over each other as they make their way onto the pool table. Balls get pushed out the way as they scoot themselves toward the middle, never losing a hold on the other. Kissing, touching, their eyes gazing, slow body movements, hair everywhere, the taking turns of pleasuring each other....all this while both men are fully clothed, drinks still in hand - just enjoying the show.

I'm completely fascinated, mesmerized by it all and probably had the cheesiest grin on my face. So Ramon turns toward me and says, "Yo Marco. You got a camcorder?" I respond, "Yeah. But I don't know where that shit is right now." Still, I run upstairs to look for it real quick, maniac style. I'm throwing all kinds of shit out my closet. Bam! I find it. Check to see if there's a tape inside. Yup! I don't give a shit what's on the tape, I'm capturing this. I hit the On switch. Damn! Battery's dead. I check all four spares. Dead. Fuck! Oh well, back downstairs. "Nah bro. No luck", I tell him. We're both disapointed but quickly focus back on the women. Of course, we later join in on the fun. But just watching them for a few songs worth of time was a beautiful experience, forever ingrained in the memory bank. Ramon and I are some lucky bastards indeed.

Joanne is a handful. At times, too much I must admit. See, what Ramon refers to as tough love - I consider Joanne being cold. She has a tendency to shut down emotionally and act indifferent; like she's perfectly content without you in her life....disregarding text messages, sometimes completely abandoning convos, and ignoring phone calls for days on end. Being that we don't spend time or see each other as often as I would like to, communication is crucial to me....it's my only connection to her. I've expressed to both Ramon and Joanne why I'm so sensitive about keeping in contact, but I didn't wanna keep harping on the issue. She did improve, but it kept going on and off throughout the relationship.

So, to avoid being the emotional boyfriend, I'd make light of her thoughtless ways and dismiss it as her simply being a stubborn ass chick or she was extremely busy. But honestly, that shit hurts. It hurts even worse when I see my wife happily attentive toward Ramon. You should see the Kool-Aid grin on Jasmine's face while speaking to him on the phone, even using her sexy phone voice. Do I get jealous? Yes. Irritated? Hells yes. I feel like the biggest sucker on the planet. Then.....in person, Joanne seems infatuated with me; like she's so deeply and passionately in love with me. Attentive to say the least, she wants to be next to me, holding, kissing me and gives me this piercing gaze as if she can't wait to rip off my clothes and get lost in love making. Confusing? You don't know the half.

Don't get me wrong, I relish those moments. But still, the pain from her indifference lingers in the back of my mind and I question my manhood. I'm thinking, "Bro, this chick steady plays Yo-Yo with your feelings. Why you still fuckin with her?" Then I think of how I care for her. How I cherish having her in my life. And of all the intimate moments and conversations that her and I shared. The long and passionate hugs. The jokes. The blooper moments that had us dying laughing. I think of her smile. How good it is just to be with her. I think of the group as a whole. I see how happy everyone is when everything is just right. I think of how unique this thing of ours really is. How rare, that there's an all around attraction. Both women are in love with both men and vice versa. We have similar interests and we're compatible in so many ways. It's one helluva relationship. And I don't wanna be the selfish prick who tears down the whole thing because I let my emotions get the better of me. So I check my ego as best I can. Though I gotta say....it's a struggle.

All in all, Joanne is a wonderful woman. You'd like her if you met her. In my mental garden of life, she is a magnificently beautiful Rose....thorns attached. Do I love her? As much as it hurts and I hate to admit at times, the answer is yes. Very much so. I just wish she realized the effect she has on others. All of us. Good and bad. Because I would like for nothing more than a strong solidarity of love among the group. That's real. Maybe I have a hard time understanding her. Maybe I put too much thought into things. Or maybe I'm too demanding. Who knows? I guess a love worth having isn't always going to be easy huh?

The Dream - Right Side of my Brain

9) Imagine this blog.....

2010-03-08T12:48:00.007-05:00

was a bouquet of handpicked & perfectly arranged flowers with a note attached. I present it to Ramon & Joanne as a token of reconcilement. She takes the bouquet, and reads the note. While she's reading, I'm standing there thinking, "I hope this does the trick so we can finally move on." Well, it did the trick alright, just not how I expected.

When she's done reading, she drops the note, shoves the bouquet back onto my chest, turns around in tears and walks off. Ramon says nothing but gives me the pissed off and disappointed look like, "I don't know what you wrote, but you fucked up. Big time." Then he turns his back on me and walks off with Joanne. I'm standing there, feeling stupid as hell, still holding the bouquet. After some delay, I reach down and pick up the note. I hold the note up in the air, look at them in the distance and whisper, "Wait. Guys, please. Let me explain."

Liz Durrett - Knives at the Wall

10) Break up to break through.

2010-03-07T09:18:00.007-05:00

Right after entry #8, my quad officially broke up. The reason? Well, because Mr. Thoughtless Me made the 'wise' decision of waiting so long before telling Joanne and Ramon about the blog. See, the whole while they were clueless. But I was about to go full speed with the story and didn't want to wait months down the road before bringing it up. Besides, I wanted them to know how I was feeling at the time. And what better way than by the entries I've put up? So I told them. And well...let's just say it didn't go down how I thought it would.

When I first started this blog, I thought of it as an outlet. My own little way of getting things off my chest. Fuck it, change the names, protect everyone's identities, and just put it out there right? Since we've never came 'Out' as a group, I couldn't discuss my quad-relationship problems with family or friends. And even if I were able to, I doubt they would offer any unbiased advice. No one that I know is involved in any kind of Poly relationship. Ramon and I haven't been seeing eye to eye. The women's relationship was on the brink of imploding. I had no one to turn to. I figured the next best thing to do was to Blog and maybe, just maybe, while doing so, I would experience a 'moment of clarity' so to speak. Or someone who could relate would read this and offer some superb insight.

Writing with candor was the only effective way to reach my goal, or so I thought. I mean, as many times as I got frustrated over the whole situation, the easiest thing for me to do would've been to say , "Screw this. I don't need the stress in my life." I could've pat myself on the back, told myself I gave it a good try and been done with it long time ago - say our goodbyes, life goes on. But nah...my retarded ass decides to hang in there, 'glutton for punishment' style, and eventually come up with the ingenious idea of starting a blog - "So I can vent." Aw, poor Marco. What an emotional doofus I am.

What I didn't take into consideration was that everyone else was also hanging in there 'glutton for punishment style'. Yet, no one had the answer for how to get out of the muck. It's almost as we all kept trying and trying until eventually everyone became too worn out. Things were at a standstill and felt hopeless. Polyamory is easier said than done when you have four different personalities tangled in a web of emotions, no? Well, while everyone was coping in their own methods, I decided to blog. And before long, I ran with it.

True, I started this blog to serve my own therapeutic needs. But along the way, I began to feel like we had a story worthy enough to share. To show the intensity of love & passion as well as the pain that comes from being involved in a Polyamorous relationship. I didn't treat it as erotica or some sexual tale. Nor was I aiming for some comedy relief. I'm not trying to poke fun here. This is reality. Romance as real as it gets between two couples. The truth can't possibly be conveyed if it were sugar-coated and so I wrote candidly. Although I feel I've been eloquently respectful in my approach, I can understand why Ramon and Joanne got upset. The fact remains, I think very highly of them. I care about them both very much and I never set out to dishonor them. Joanne is the only other woman in this world who I am so passionately in love with, but who can also hurt and frustrate me, as much as Jasmine. I truly want her in my life till we're old, gray and dusty. I met Jasmine at 15, knew I wanted to marry her at 17, did so at 19; and here we are, 14 years of marriage, and 2 wonderful kids later, very much in love. So I ain't talking out my ass when I describe my feelings for Joanne. Strictly truth.

My entries about us all reflect the good as well as the bad. No one's perfect. I'm no Mr. Innocent. I been honest the whole while and never intended to play anyone out. But I admit I was thoughtless and inconsiderate for waiting so long to tell them about the blog.

Amazingly, like the old saying goes...Love will prevail.

During our break up period I never heard a word from Ramon and Joanne. In fact, Joanne ended the whole thing through Jasmine. So I felt like a complete ass. Yet, Jasmine refused to give up. She came up with this short notice idea of throwing a Saturday night get-together at our home. She made the round of phone calls/text messages to all her friends then later broke the news to me about her plans. She suggested I start inviting as well. And while I'm thinking to myself, "OK? Thanks for letting me know", she casually informed me of a slight detail, "Oh yeah, by the way, Ramon and Joanne are coming." Nervous wasn't the word for how I felt. I asked her why would she do that. I told her it was way too soon and that it would be too awkward having them around. She disregarded, shrugged off my concerns and told me to just be myself. Once again, crazy ass Jasmine.

Apparently, Joanne was just as concerned about the potential awkwardness and so she finally reached out to me. She hit me with a text message, which lead to us chatting and finally to a phone conversation. We talked for almost an hour and when it was all said & done, we hung up on very loving terms. Mission accomplished. Now I was more at ease about Saturday. Still, I didn't hear from Ramon so I wasn't too sure how awkward things would be with him. I wanted to hit him up, but didn't. I didn't know what to say. I mean, "Hey bro. How's it been?" didn't seem appropriate. I was stuck. But the morning of the party he hit me up. Ironically with a, "Hey bro. How's everything been?" I couldn't help but laugh to myself. Well by then end of our little chat, he told me he was bringing a Mini Keg of Heineken, that Joanne was making Jell-O shots, and that he was looking forward to the party. Bam! Everything seemed smoothed out. Saturday night was looking sweet.

11pm and on...

The house was filled with friends. The music, the drinks, the dim red lighting, the pool table is a hit as usual, the sounds of laughter, conversing, people discretely smoking weed out in the alleyway, others inside fixing themselves a plate of food. I gotta say...the party was a success. And to my surprise, Ramon pulled off the unlikely, an out of character move at that, and managed to sneak a kiss from Jasmine. Party guests? None the wiser. I didn't even see it, but was told about it later by both Joanne and Jasmine.

Joanne was having a blast, sitting amongst a group of some of the other women, conversing away. Jasmine and I take turns on hosting duties. So I make the occasional round to check on people and notice Joanne smiling then saying something to me. Because of the music I couldn't hear her clearly so I moved in closer. Well, she leans in even closer to me, as if to whisper something in my ear. Which she did, "I'm having such a great time. I really missed you." Then gives me a kiss on my neck right below my ear. I smile, and look around to see if any of the nearby guests caught that. Nope. We're good. Joanne is slick.

Obviously we weren't able to spend time together on a more intimate level that night, but it was great just having good times again. The next night though? When Jasmine and I invited them over to chill? Hmm. If you could only see the smirk on my face right now. The Fantastic Four are back!

Jay-Z - Party Life (Sentimentum Remix)

11) The show goes on.

2010-03-06T13:10:00.011-05:00

Before I continue, I would like to point out that this blog was down for some time. All entries were stripped and it stood as a memento to yet another defunct Polyamorous relationship. Well, obviously things are back on track. This blog is officially sanctioned by my crew and I've been given the 'blessing' to keep it raw and untethered. Though as you may have noticed by now, I keep it classy. That's just who I am. A classy mu'fucka. <-----How you like that?

Also, I've learned to be more compromising. If Joanne doesn't text or continue our convos how I would like, it's not because she doesn't love me. Texting is just not her thing. For Jasmine and I, it is. We text each other throughout the work day, even though she's not supposed to have her cell on her. And I guess I'm so accustomed to it, that I couldn't understand why Joanne wouldn't want to do the same. So anyways, the way I see it....if Joanne is woman enough to let me be explicitly truthful with this story, then I see no reason to continue whining about the whole texting thing. After all, she definitely shows me much affection when we're together. So what's there to cry about?

But alright then. To my imaginary DJ.....put the needle back on the record. I got a story to tell.

Where to begin?
Ok, I got it.
The pre Love days.
Ahem.....

Remember when I described myself as not really the most ideal type for the Swinger, much less Polyamory lifestyle? Well, for our first few encounters with Ramon and Joanne, I had a handicap. The night of the Manor, our little motel room after-party was a blast alright. But it could've been a whole lot better had I been able to perform. Yup, that's right....I was Mr. Limp Noodle. No matter how erotic things got, I just couldn't do my thing. Leading up to playtime, we were all having a great time, conversing, laughing it up, drinking, and then out came the weed. Joanne politely asks if we mind them smoking and if we wanted some. Hmmm. I haven't smoked in years, but fuck it. I thought, "We're here to party, why not?"

I smoked weed plenty in the past, but stopped because I started having nervous reactions. OK, example....it was a typical 'Girl's night out' and so Jasmine wasn't home. It gets late and I put the kids to bed. I go downstairs, start messing around with my music production equipment, just killing time, trying to make beats, no biggie. I light up a half smoked blunt. Now I'm chillin', got the headphones on, nice aroma of weed in the air, music blasting in my ears, and I'm steady nodding my head to my work in progress. I'm feeling nice, chillin' like a mu'fucka. A couple of minutes pass and I finish the blunt. Now I'm focused more intently on the music. Then, like a dog, I freeze, quickly perk up, and turn my head toward the windows. I thought I heard something.

See, where I live, the houses are built extremely close to each other. I'm talking within four feet of each other. In between my home and the next is a little 'alley way'. So I'm thinking, "Somebody's out there, peeking through my window blinds, trying to case the joint so they can rob my ass while I'm at work." Fuck that, I get up and yank all four window curtains shut. Now mind you, these window curtains are thick. We wanted them that thick so the sunlight wouldn't ruin our midday movie watching experience. So I go back to my music equipment, sit down, and put my headphones back on. Start the head nodding again, but now I'm feeling uneasy and I keep looking at the windows.

I'm thinking, "Man, I bet these mu'fuckas can still see me." I get up, double check all the curtains then stand in the middle of the room slowly scanning the windows. I don't trust the situation, so I flip the light-switch and now it's completely dark, minus the light from the LCD screens on my equipment. Finally I feel at ease, go back, sit down, put on the headphones, and now I'm nodding confidently. I'm not sure how long I stayed downstairs in the dark like that but eventually my high disappears and I realize the foolishness of it all. I think to myself, "Yo, what the fuck am I doing? I'm buggin." I feel stupid. I shut off all the equipment and head upstairs for the night. There were several other instances of weed-induced 'paranoia' and eventually I gave it up altogether.

I got sidetracked like crazy there. My bad.

Yeah, so like I was saying....two were beds in the room but we all end up on one, frolicking, doing what Swingers do - you get the picture. Everyone is focused on pleasuring their spouse. Then came the tricky part for me. Jasmine went for Ramon and they start doing their thing. I'm with Joanne, excited, thinking to myself, "Aight. It's game-time." So between the both of us, we're trying to get something going. We're into each other, bodies touching, caressing....but nothing. Your boy's about as erect as a wet shoestring. A couple of minutes pass and she tries to remedy the situation. Still.....nothing. Ramon and Jasmine are doing their thing and now I'm feeling like such a loser. Damn it! Not now! Jasmine sees me struggling and so she leaves Ramon's side to help me with Joanne for a bit.

Eventually we end up back with our spouses. Phew! I feel relieved but mad disappointed at the same time. I'm lecturing myself, "What's wrong stupid? This is what you talked about. You wanted this. Remember? This chick is a dime. Fine as fuck and you can't please her? C'mon! Stop fuckin around and do your thing already." Something to that effect. Well, to make a long story short....when it was all said and done, I still couldn't perform. That's why come morning, while Ramon and Joanne were passed out in their bed, in an intimate cuddling position, looking peacefully asleep - I told my wife we should leave now. I was ashamed of myself and didn't want an awkward goodbye. So 'bandits in the night style', we quietly got dressed and left. I figured Joanne wouldn't be interested in another encounter with us anyways, so why bother with exchanging phone numbers? I was grateful for the experience but mostly glad that at least Jasmine did her thing.

Fast forward.....our second encounter with them. We bump into each other at a party. Have some laughs. Exchange phone numbers. Part ways. Days pass. We talk. Make plans. We meet up. The plans? A night of clubbing; and if all goes well, an after-party. The result?....same thing. Talk about embarrassing. This time, Joanne got a little upset. She asks, "What's wrong? You're not attracted to me?" Ah man, that is soooooo not it. "You are fine as hell", I'm thinking. So I tell her that I think I'm just nervous. She tries sweet talking, while caressing me, to help me relax. But come morning....I was still a dud.

Yup, I failed. So, I figure it was pretty much a done deal. There ain't no way she's gonna wanna see my wack ass again. But, amazingly, a few days later, they hit us up, tell us they really like us and if we're interested, they'd like to go camping with us out in Jersey - that they have their own camper already on campgrounds. We were both surprised. Wow! Hell yeah, we're interested! Of course, we didn't respond so excitingly, but we let them know, "Yes, of course. We would love to hangout with you guys again." Jasmine and I have never been camping before and so this was promising to be a great and very unique experience. We hit up our regular sitter. Cool, she's actually willing to watch the kids for the weekend. It's on.

The scheduled camping weekend.....10pm. Jasmine and I are in the car, following them to the campground entrance. Huge difference from nights in the city, it's dark as fuck out here! I'm excited but nervous as hell. Jasmine notices and says, "Would you stop it already? That's why you always mess it up for yourself. You think too much. Just relax and go with the flow." I couldn't help it though. I had two strikes already. What beautiful woman would put up with a three strike flunky? So I start psyching myself up, 'Fight night' style, "Do your thing bro. You better not let this chick down again. Fuck that. Nigga, man up." Before we pulled up to the camper, I finish downing a 24 ounce can of Heineken - spiked with Green Apple Smirnoff vodka. To help take some of the edge off, ya know. Okay, I got a buzz. Got my swag. I'm good now. I'm ready. Let's do this.

We unload the car. Greet them both. They show us our room. We get situated. Meet back in the living room. Joanne gets the music going. We break the ice. Get to talking. Then jokes. Everyone's laughing. Ramon busts out our specially engraved shot-glasses. We get the shots of Patron going. Then mixed drinks. Joanne tells me to relax. I guess I look nervous. Blunt gets lit. Blunt gets passed. We dance. We're grinding. Everyone's feeling nice. Things get hot. The women are into each other. Sex is in the air. Clothes come off. The play commences. And what do you know?.......I fail! Again!! Noooooooooo!!!!! I feel like disappearing! Poof!! Somebody please! Just put me out to pasture, I'm fuckin done. I am officially the weakest link.

Aaaaaaarrrggghhh!!!!

Next morning. 10am. We wake up to the smell of breakfast cooking. Ramon is making something I've never tried before - looks kinda like french toast but with a hole in the center, attached on one side is a cooked egg popping through the hole. Is this his own concoction or a known treat? I don't know but I'm all for trying new stuff.....hmmm, pretty tasty. Oh yeah, breakfast also included bacon and orange juice. Thanks Ramon. Of course, I'm shyer than ever now, due to my sorry ass batting average. But Joanne wakes up and is cheery as ever, "Good morning guys" and kisses Ramon. "Good morning", reply Jasmine and I.

The rest of day went unexpectedly well I must say, no awkwardness whatsoever. Ramon and Joanne made us feel very welcome, showed us around the campgrounds, lake and all. Nice. The place was beautiful. We went for a walk in the woods. Them two holding hands. Jasmine and I holding hands. Then we decided to take pictures. Jasmine surprised us all when she grabbed the camera and asked Joanne to pose with me. I looked at Jasmine like she was crazy and thought to myself, "Why? She ain't gonna want to pose with me. I'ma bum." But without hesitation, Joanne replied, "OK", then let go of Ramon's hand and stood closely against me, wrapped her arm around my waist and smiled. I was sooped. "OK, put your arm around her shoulder, stupid", I told myself. I did and Jasmine took the pic. It was digital, so afterward she hits the Playback switch, "Aw, you guys look so cute together." Of course, I return the favor and take a pic of her and Ramon together. Snap. Classic keepsakes.

Nightfall....to me, the highlight of the entire weekend. Ramon starts up the campfire and Joanne asks, "Who's ready for S'mores?" I've had homemade S'mores before, I'm not a fan, but sure. Why not? I could see Joanne was excited about making them, she already begun her search for marshmallow burning sticks, and I didn't wanna be rude. Everyone got their sticks? Cool. We take our seats around the fire. We're talking. Ramon lights up another blunt. Around the cypher it goes. Marshmallows are ready and Joanne hooks us up. Wha-Lah! S'mores! I take a bite, not bad. But between the Cranberry & Vodka all day, and the weed, S'mores was the last thing I wanted. So, while in the middle of conversation, and smoking, and drinking, I discretely toss mine on the ground behind my chair. No one noticed. Cool. "It was good right?", Joanne asks. I look at her, "Yup, delicious."

After the S'mores session, being that it was damn near pitch black all around us, the fire was the main attraction. We had music playing about fifteen feet away, but the crackling sound of the fire was so serene. I couldn't help but to focus intently on it, then over at the women. I'm thinking photo op. So I ask if they would pose by the fire. Not only they did both gladly oblige, but they threw in some sexy model swagger to go with it. Sweet! Two beautiful women next to a spectacular looking campfire. Definitely a first in my book and yet another classic keepsake. Camping is fun, yessir!

Fast forward some more.....Jasmine and Joanne are feeling so nice, they decide to take off, leaving me and Ramon to ourselves. We're both mellow dudes, quiet, but we chit chat. Typical guy talk. It was cool. After a while though, where the hell are the women? We stand up. Look down the dark ass dirt road leading toward the lake. Ramon squints, points and says, "I think that's them. I see somebody running that way. I think they trying to play hide-n-seek." I laugh, "For real? Fuck it then, let's go find them." He gets a flashlight and off we go.

Next day. Sunday afternoon. I check my phone and I see a missed call from Ms. Gail, our sitter. Check the voice-mail - she says that my daughter doesn't have an appetite and is quieter than usual. I return the call. Talk to my daughter. Pass the phone to Jasmine. They talk. She hangs up. My daughter is fine but it would be rude to disregard Ms. Gail's concern. Jasmine goes to Ramon and Joanne, "Sorry guys, but we gotta leave." No one wanted the day to end yet, but it was time to get back to our lives. What a great weekend though. Did I ever do my thing? Nope. Four, yup, four times in a row....complete dud. I was an epic failure. I should've had my Swinger permit permanently revoked and forced to never again mention the word "Swap". The audacity of me! Yeah man, I was pitiful. But.....unbeknown to us all, or at least to me, something else was starting to brew here. Something way more special than promiscuous sex could ever offer.

We said our goodbyes, gave hugs, and I headed toward the driver's side of my car, "Alright guys, thank you for having us. Get home safe." But before I sat inside, I paused and sneaked one last look at Joanne. Hmmm. Cheesy grin in my mind. Sat down, closed the door, Jasmine leans out her window to wave once more, "Bye guys!", and I pull off. She leans back in, hits the 'Window Up' button and rests her head on my shoulder, "You think it was rude leaving the kids with Ms. Gail for this long?" "I hope not." We drive off.

Telefon Tel Aviv - Sound in a Dark Room

12) Polyamory.

2010-03-05T12:07:00.001-05:00

A beautiful thing. For those of you who are curious, considering or already knee deep in it, as you can see it's not a cakewalk. But like I've said before, when it's good it's great. You'll be glad that you were bold enough to take the plunge. You'll make some wonderful and everlasting memories, that's for sure. Just make sure you walk into it with an open mind, and a strong willingness to work through the various issues that may arise; i.e., jealousy, communication problems, conflicting expectations, etc. It's like any other intimate relationship, only with more egos and personalities involved.

I would also suggest you prepare ahead, help make your journey a lot smoother and do some reading. I was wrong, there are plenty of "Polyamory for Dummies" type resources available. As recommended to me, I would suggest picking up a copy of 'Opening Up' by Tristan Taormino. And maybe check out Franklin's Polyamory FAQ...... Lot's of good reading there. Of course, there are many more informative and helpful sites out there. As I come across more, I'll add to my 'Poly Roll', located on the right side of this blog. Other than that, you learn as you go right? Get your umbrellas, you'll get your share of rainy days.

To all the long term Polyamorous and other open-minded relationships out there - full of love - strong and happy as ever - year after year. I salute.

Stateless - Bloodstream

13) First feelings.

2010-03-05T11:02:00.005-05:00

The success of our first camping trip gave the women even more incentive to communicate regularly. So they took turns hitting each other up. Often, I'd see Jasmine multitasking while having a cute grin. Cooking? Texting. Watching TV? Texting. Separating clothes in the laundry room? Texting. Oh, and using the bathroom? Texting. She was elated. More elated even to be in touch with Joanne than with her own squad; a small tight knit group of women, whom she's been friends with for so long, you might as well call them her sisters.

Of course, I'm watching all this going on and I'm happy. Happy because I see she is, but also because I see the potential for realizing the goal we had in mind. See, when Jasmine and I first decided to jump into to the Swinger lifestyle, we both agreed that we didn't want to be out there Ho'ing, going from one couple to the next. We understood that plenty of swingers are in it for the varied 'No strings attached' experiences, but that just seemed a bit too sleazy for us. So instead, our plan was to hit the 'scene', mingle, go on dates then hopefully on repeat dates with couples we really liked. If we all clicked, and if they seemed genuine, then we'd try working on building a real friendship, by doing regular non-sexual activities together. And eventually, as cliche as it may sound, we'd have ourselves a small circle of 'Friends with benefits.' Sounded sensible enough. So we discussed rules & individual limitations, gave it the 'thumbs up' and went for it. Swinger world, here we come! <-----Get it?

OK, fine. That was corny. Besides, as you now know, I was one severely handicapped swinger. Kinda difficult to bring our plan to fruition if I can't pull my own weight. But anyways, back to the story.....

About two weeks pass and Joanne asks Jasmine if we'd like to go camping again, this time with the kids. Wow. I'm friggin shocked in amazement, thinking, "This is the real thing. They actually enjoy our company so much that they wanna take it to the next level - involve our kids." I took it as a compliment. Jasmine was ecstatic, "See? I told you Papi. I told you we got something going with them." Puts her arms around my neck and starts kissing me all over my face. Gradually working her way to my lips. I put my arms around her waist, got the cheesy grin going while trying to keep up with the barrage of kisses. She stops and leans her head on my shoulder. I lean my head next to hers. A minute of silent embracing. Then she perks up, "OK! So we gotta bring sun block. And bug spray....last time you were scratching like crazy. We gotta bring snacks for the kids. Drinks. Ooooooh and Ice Pops! A whole box of Ice Pops......." Yeah, she was definitely excited.

............

It's April. The weather is beautiful, clear skies, sunny day and just hot enough to wear shorts. After the 45 minute long drive, we arrive at the campgrounds. I pull up to the camp's office, a quaint single-family-home style building, with a security gate attached on the left. I park. Go inside. Fill out the obligatory visitor's forms. Pay the required fees. Get my parking permit. Then bid a nice day to the old lady working the counter.

I head out to the car. Passenger side. Jasmine rolls down the window,"I can't get a hold of her. She did say the reception out here sucks." Damn. We only been here once, and neither of us were too sure where their camper was located as it's a pretty busy campground with campers throughout. Best to wait. So I dig into my pocket, grab my phone and try to reach Ramon on his. After a couple minutes and attempts, finally a, "Hello?" "Yooo, what's good? We're here." "Aight, aight, cool. Glad you guys made it safe. But uh, I'm kinda busy right now trying to put this thing together. I'ma send my son to come get you. That's cool?" "Yeah, yeah. No prob." "Aight, cool. He'll be on a bike. But he'll know to look for you." "Aight, bet. See you guys in a few." Hit the End Call button and wait.

After a few minutes of waiting, their son rolls up on his bike. A handsome little dude with a short haircut. He stops by the gate, and starts scanning the parking area. He notices me looking back. So I raise my hand and wave slowly. He gets back on the seat, peddles toward us and comes to a stop right before my feet, "What's up? You're Marco and Jasmine right?" "Yeah." I reach my hand out, "Rio, right?" We shake hands. "Yeah", then he waves to Jasmine and my kids still sitting in the car. Jasmine and my daughter, Denise, wave back. My son, Alex, completely oblivious as he is still focused on some Nintendo DS game. Rio spins his bike around, "OK. Follow me."

We creep behind Rio as he peddles down the dirt road surrounded by campers. There's a 5 MPH speed limit so it takes a while but we enjoy the serenity of the whole nature vibe. All four car windows and the stereo volume are completely down. We hear the sound of car tires gripping the earth as they rotate, kids playing, and music coming from portable radios. The distinct smell of barbecue is the air. We see kids riding bikes, clusters of teenagers walking, families sitting at picnic tables, and others just lounging in their outdoor furnishing - chillin. Almost every adult we pass gives us a friendly wave Hello. About three quarters of the way, we roll past an old man sipping on a can of beer while sitting in his lawn chair. Right on cue, as if he hasn't seen us in a while, he raises his drink and nods hello. I nod back of course, but being from the city, all this 'friendliness' was a culture shock to us both. Jasmine and I couldn't help but be amused. I start thinking jackass thoughts and almost blurt out, "Howdy folks." But I'm a respectful dude, so I don't. Instead, I rhetorically ask Jasmine, "Damn, they're friendly as hell out here, right?"

Finally, after a couple of minutes of our super-welcoming yet slow-motion drive through the campgrounds, we come up to their camper. Rio stops and drops his bike next to the bottom of the patio steps. I see Ramon working on something, couldn't tell what just yet. Apparently something he just bought, as some brand new boxes are open next to the picnic table. Anyways, I park. We get out. Unload. Ramon greets us. He tells us Joanne should be back in a few minutes, that she's at the pool with their daughter, Joselyn. Then, he tells us we have the same room as before and to make ourselves at home, so we do.

Once situated, I step out to see if Ramon needs help. He got two projects going....assembling a full-size futon swinging chair and a zippable netted gazebo. Nice. I pitch in, and we fumble through the assembly, paying minimal attention to the step-by-step instructions. Eh, who needs instructions? When we finished, there were a few bolts leftover. Oh well. They were probably just extras anyways. We move the swing and gazebo to the spots he points out, then stand back to admire the superb work of men. Excellent! Damn, we're good.

.................

It's getting hotter and the Mosquitoes are starting to bite. I complain to Jasmine and of course she offers some supreme words of sarcasm, "Who told you to put on cologne? We're camping, not clubbing, buddy." I give her a grimace look, "Whatever. Can I get the spray?" She walks off then later comes back with mosquito spray in hand, "Turn around, I got you. Maybe next time, you'll listen, huh?" then starts spraying the back of my neck and so forth. Not too long after, Joanne and her daughter appear, "Hey guys! How are you?" Gives a kiss to Jasmine on the cheek, then me and we make the rounds of introducing our kids.

After lounging around and chatting away, kids and all, Joanne mentions that maybe we should break out the Canoe & Kayaks and hit the lake. Cool, never been Canoeing or Kayaking before. So Jasmine starts getting our kids ready - sunblock - as well as packing up the cooler with drinks and what not. I help Ramon get out the Canoe, drag it to the roadside, then he tells me to leave it be. He had to go inside the camper for something but he reminded me that he got it. I guess he wanted the workout. OK. So I head back over to the shed, on the side of the camper, to help Joanne with the Kayaks. She grabs one. I grab the other. I ask Jasmine if she's good. "Yeah, yeah. I'm good babe. Go ahead." OK. Off we go, dragging them, by the attached ropes, down the quarter-mile stretch of dirt road to the man-made beach/designated swimming area.

Now although we've already had a few intimate ~~experiences~~ attempts, we weren't really all that chummy. She was strictly his wife and no flirting has ever gone on between the men and women on a one-on-one basis up to this point. Needless to say, it was a slightly awkward stroll....just us two. Still, I did my gentlemanly best and sparked some casual conversation. Nervous? Yes. Butterflies in my stomach even. But I was also feeling good about the whole scenario; the fresh outdoor air, the trees, the sounds of the Kayaks getting dragged on the dirt road, the nice sunny weather and me walking side by side with a beautiful woman who might possibly be just as nervous about walking with me.

"We come out here every chance we get, whenever Ramon's not working. The kids love it and it's nice just to get away, ya know? It's so peaceful out here." I look at her, admiring the way her orange summer dress seems to just flow on her. Plus she looks so cute dragging the Kayak while walking barefoot. I smile, then look up at my surroundings again, "You're right. It is peaceful out here." The rest of the way we're mostly quiet, just enjoying each others company I suppose. The various background noises become more profound.

We arrive at the 'beach', drag the Kayaks across the sands and stop at shore. We wait. Everyone else should be here any minute now. I scan the lakeside. Cool. Busy as any typical public lake; families swimming inside the roped-off area, others suntanning on land and a lifeguard up in the booth keeping watch. "Damn, I should've wore my sunglasses", I think to myself while squinting with my hand over my eyes. Joanne of course was wise enough to wear hers, the fashionable large circular kind I think looks sexy on women. A few minutes pass and everyone else arrives. I approach Jasmine, "Hey babe. What you wanna do? Go out on the Canoe or Kayak?" She looks over at Joanne still standing by the Kayaks, "Nah. You go ahead babe. It'll give you guys a chance to talk." Wow. I was pleasantly surprised. She kisses me, then says, "Go ahead babe. I'll go with Ramon and the kids in the Canoe. Have fun." Damn, she's cool. I walk back toward Joanne, "Looks like we got the Kayaks." She looks over at Jasmine and Ramon. Nobody seemed to object to the idea. "OK. Help me get in though. Sometimes they turn over and you end up in sitting in water." Help her? No problem. I laugh, "Of course. I got you."

.............

We're out in the middle of the lake, a good distance from the swimming area. Ramon, Jasmine and the kids are in the Canoe about 30 yards from us. We can hear them laughing and I see them struggling to get in sync with the paddling. Looks like they're having a good time. Joanne and I are slowly paddling, doing our best to remain close but not bump into each other. We're talking, mostly asking each other the 'getting to know someone' questions; So how long have been at your job, When's the last time you played Lotto, Have you ever owned a dog, etc. It was cool but felt slightly odd in a way. I mean, he we are, two people who've already done the deed - well kinda - and we're completely avoiding the subject. No flirting or any kind of intimate talk. She must've felt the same because eventually we resigned to just paddling. Before long, we come to a complete stop and just float there, surrounded by lily pads. She breaks the awkward silence, "Look. I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little nervous. I really like you but I'm not sure what we're allowed to talk about." I perk up, thinking, "You too?!" But instead I reply, "Same here. I didn't wanna say the wrong thing and upset anyone."

After that we spoke more plainly. Still didn't flirt or anything of the sort. But that little break through gave me a new perspective on how she thinks. She let me inside and it was a sigh of relief to know that she didn't look down on me for my pathetic performances so far. Obviously, I've made some kind of positive impression on her. It felt good. My swag went up a couple of points. I looked at her, she looked back, and for a few seconds, no words spoken, we locked eyes. I felt giddy, like a schoolboy who passes a love letter to the girl he likes.....and she accepts with a smile. All the sudden, I appreciated the lake even more. I can really get into this whole camping thing.

Bibio - Lovers' Carvings

14) Finally.

2010-03-05T10:39:00.001-05:00

Nightfall.

We've left for the nearby town to pick up a few items. After an hour or so, we head back. When we arrive at the grounds entrance, Ramon pulls up to the security gate. He swipes his camp ID on the card reader and the divider goes up. They go through and seconds later it drops. He parks, gets out, walks toward us on the driver side where I'm sitting and swipes his ID card again to let us through.....nothing, just a rapid flashing light on the reader. He tries again. Nothing. Persistently, he keeps trying - even waiting a few minutes before trying for the last time.....still, nothing. He looks at me, "I think they put a minimum time limit on these cards." "Yeah? I guess they wanna make sure you don't sneak in guests for free, huh? Well, whatcha think? Maybe an hour?" Almost instantly Jasmine jumps in with, "An hour?! We can't sit out here that long. Denise needs to use the bathroom and both the kids are hungry.

Ramon quickly adds, "That's not a problem. I'll give you the ID, you guys wait a bit longer and we'll take your kids with us. They'll all have fun together. What do you think?" I turn toward Jasmine. I didn't have a problem with it and, by the look on her face, neither did she. So I turn back toward Ramon, "Aight bet." He hands me the ID and the kids hop out to head toward Ramon's vehicle. Jasmine reminds the kids, "We'll see you guys in a few. OK?" My daughter, eagerly ready to sit next to theirs, turns halfway, waves and says, "OK. Bye mommy. Bye Daddy." My son, the tween mute, responds halfheartedly, "OK" and keeps walking. We watch them both get situated in the car and then I pull away so as not to block the entrance. I drive toward the far end of the lot and with the exception of some faint light from a nearby lamp post, about 15 feet away, and the neon sign on the office window, which reads Closed, it's completely dark. I park the car. Jasmine gets closer to me. We snuggle. I turn up the music. We wait.

About two minutes later......

The driver-side back door opens and in hops Joanne, "Hey guys. Ramon said I should probably wait out here with you guys. Just in case. Is that alright with you?" I perk up and think, "Interesting." Jasmine responds, "Uh, sure. Can Ramon handle all the kids by himself?" "Yeah, yeah. He's good. He'll probably put on a movie for them or let them play the Wii." A slight pause. Jasmine looks at me, I guess to make sure I'm cool with this. I give her that facial shrug expression, like "Sure. It's fine with me." But my actual thoughts were, "What?! Hell yeah I'm cool with it! Shiiiiiiit." So Jasmine responds, "OK."

Now, Jasmine must know me too well because she then says to Joanne, "Here. Sit up front with Marco. I'll sit in the back." "No. Go ahead. This is your car. You guys looked so comfy. I'm good back here." "Seriously, I don't mind", as she opens her door and steps out. I look in the rearview mirror. Jasmine opens the passenger-side backdoor, "You two won't get too many chances to sit side-by-side with the kids around." Joanne grins, "OK", and gets out. Seconds later, Joanne is up front and I'm feeling like the man. Alone? With both the women? In my car? AND it's dark as hell out? Shit, four-strike flunky or not, perverted thoughts were starting to percolate.

The women get busy conversing. So, quick not to spoil the opportunity, I begin scrolling through the songs on my iPod, scrambling to put together a playlist. I need something more suited for the ladies. Black Milk - Hell Yeah? Nope. Drake - Killer? Nope. Notorious B.I.G. - Unbelievable? Damn, I love my Hip Hop but not now. I keep scrolling...ah, here we go; Bobby Valentino - Tell Me, Mario - Music for Love, T-Pain - Blow Your Mind. I hear Jasmine ask me, "Right babe?" I'm thinking, "Huh?" as I'm clueless to the convo but respond matter-of-factly with, "Uh huh." Hey, I'm focused here....keep talking ladies. Now where was I?....Oh yeah. Tyrese - Signs of Lovemaking? Yup. Janet Jackson - Would You Mind? Oh yeah. Jamie Foxx - Slow? Most definitely. About fifteen to twenty songs deep I feel like quite the accomplished musical mood-setter and so decide that'll do. Hit the play button. Adjust the volume. Perfect. "Marco, you's a pimp" is my mindset.

I now focus my attention on the ladies.

To my delight, and also to my advantage, the women have already begun making out. Joanne, obviously turned toward the back while Jasmine leans forward from the center of the backseat. She's starts caressing the back of Joanne's neck as they kiss. They look so passionate, and so into each other. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there just watching....left arm over the steering wheel and right hand holding my iPod. What a pimp, huh? They continue to go at it and I continue watching. After a while, my lack of participation was no longer welcomed. Jasmine moves her hand, grabs my shirt, and pulls me in for the kiss. Our faces within an inch of Joanne's. Jasmine's hand is now caressing the back of my neck and we're caught in slow, passionate kissing. Then, our lips part and the women's reconnect. Moments later, I feel Jasmine's hand turning my face toward Joanne like, "Anytime now stupid." I get the hint and move in for the kiss. Now all three of us lock lips.

A few minutes pass....

Excitedly, I'm taking all this in; the music, the kissing, the two women and I forget to take the lead as the supposed Pimp I am. So once again, Jasmine helps keep things moving along. "You guys should come back here with me." I'm thinking, "Great idea babe. Why didn't I think of that?" but respond with, "OK." Joanne didn't hesitate. Passenger door opens. Closes. Back passenger door opens. Closes. Bamn...both women in the back. "Go stupid", I tell myself. I get out but this time so does Jasmine. She greets me outside the car, "Sit in the middle, Papi" and gives me a kiss. Door closes. I'm in the middle, looking at my belt buckle but through my peripheral vision I constantly scan left and right. I have the devious, cheesy smile going now.

Things get right back into motion except I am now the center of attention. I'm kissing back and forth while feeling their hands on me, and eventually.....yup, the sound of my belt coming undone. Now for next few minutes, both women treat that area as the star attraction....they're each giving their best efforts to make sure I rise to the occasion. But after a few minutes, while Joanne is trying her luck.....Jasmine becomes irritated and whispers in my ear, "Babe. What the fuck? Cut the shit out already. All those times you get horny at home and you're gonna pick NOW not to be? C'mon, not now." I whisper back in her ear, "I am. But I don't know what's going on. I'm nervous maybe." "Don't give me that shit again. This is your fantasy. Right here. Right now. You got two women pleasing you. YOU! Stop with the fuckin thinking and get it up or I'm done. We can't keep going through this." I'm sitting there frustrated because it's not like I don't want it. Fuck! What the hell's the matter with me?! I look at Joanne then start feeling guilty for the undeserving pleasure she's giving me. So I caress her back then gesture for her to stop, as if I wanted to kiss her. No need to get her hopes up again. We face each other and I lean my forehead onto hers. She already knows. She says in a soft but disappointed voice, "It's OK. Maybe next time."

Jasmine, not willing to let me give up, leans across me to kiss Joanne. Meanwhile her hand goes back to work on the star attraction. I lean my head back, close my eyes, and think to myself. Blank your mind. C'mon. Jasmine's right, you horny fuck. I try my best to completely zone out. Enjoy the moment. You had sex before. Nothing new here. Relax. Eyes still closed, and I focus on what Jasmine is doing. Nice. The voice in my head keeps going. Feels good right? See? Nothing new playa. Be easy. Uh oh, feels like the star attraction is going from lame to interesting. Things are perking up now. The voice continues There you go. Just let it happen. Jasmine notices the difference and steps her efforts up a notch. Things are definitely more lively now. My inner voice one last time, Do your thing...that's all you, then bows out.

After about a minute or two of making sure I'm ready & able, Jasmine softly tells Joanne, "Go ahead. He's all yours." Joanne's wastes no time to get this show on the road. I try to help her as she fumbles to get in a comfortable straddling position. Then bamn.....the show has officially started. Jasmine must've just been happy that I was finally able to do something because she never once tried to join in. Although she did sit beside me the whole while and took turns kissing me and Joanne. Her facial expression was one of approval like, "Go ahead Papi. Handle your biz" and she even caressed us both during the act. Joanne, just as excited as me, went buck wild - Rodeo Girl style the whole time. And when it was all said & done, I was left sitting, more like drenched, in a pool of Joanne's satisfaction. Where's a towel when you need one? Oh well, I was sooped. I finally did it! Hallelujah! Damn, I was sooped. Joanne gave me a barrage of kisses afterward, I got dressed, and the three of us regained our composure. Time to head to the camper. I get in the driver seat and Joanne decides to stay in the back with Jasmine. I pull up to the gate. Swipe the card. Cool. It opens. We take the sloooow drive.

Halfway through the drive, I get nervous all over again. Shit! I hope this doesn't cause problems with Ramon. I never asked him upfront if he would be cool with us having separate fun. Damn. Where was my concern when I was busy thinking with my dick? Selfish prick. I hesitate for a bit but then ask Joanne, "Uh. Is Ramon gonna be cool with what just happened?" "Of course. Or else he wouldn't have suggested I wait with you guys. He's not stupid." "Nah, I'm just saying. We never discussed threesomes." "Relax. He won't have a problem with it. If anything, he'll probably be happy for you. For me too." I think to myself, OK, if you say so, while I look through the rear view mirror. Joanne says to Jasmine, "Thank you sooooo much. Seriously. Thank you", then gives her one of those tightly-squeezed hugs. "Don't worry about it sexy."

We pull up the camper. Ramon is out on the patio grilling steaks. I shut off the headlights. Park. We get out. Joanne enthusiastically approaches Ramon, kisses him then, "Hey babe." Jasmine and I follow behind. Jasmine asks Ramon, "The kids give you a hard time?" "Nah. They're chilling. They're all inside playing games." "OK. Thank you." I look at him, "Here's your card. Good looking out watching the kids and all. I appreciate it." "No problem." Jasmine and I go inside while Joanne stays out with Ramon. All four kids are crowded around the TV playing Super Smash Bros. Didn't even notice us walk in. Yeah, they're content.

Later that night.....

After dinner, the kids are inside the camper while us adults are by the campfire. We're talking, laughing it up as usual, drinks in hand and pretty much just having a good time. The women both walk back into the camper for something. Just me and Ramon now. It's on the tip of my tongue but I don't wanna seem worried. Finally, after some delay, I come out and ask him, " So....Joanne told you what happened?" "Yeah, yeah. She was excited. You did your thing bro" as he leaned forward in his chair reaching his fist out to give me the fist-bump. I return the gesture. Then bamn! Just like that, my concern vanishes. I take a sip of my drink then get lost admiring the campfire once again. Yeah, I guess I did do my thing, didn't I?

It's about damn time.

Brand Nubian - Who Can Get Busy Like This Man

15) Hear ye, hear ye

2010-03-05T10:02:00.002-05:00

Pardon me, while I take this brief intermission from the story.

<----Gloomy, right? Imagine the pile of slaughtered bodies are those of open-minded individuals. The kind of open-minded people who not only believe, in their heart of hearts, that it is possible to be passionately in love with more than one person at a time - but actually live their lives out with such mindset. All the while, the ones they love are fully aware and happy. No one is getting hurt or betrayed. Nor are they pushing their views onto others. Yet, their choice of intimate practices makes them social pariahs. They must be stopped. Immediately. Such insolent behavior by these lovemongers simply can not be tolerated.

The robed guy on top? With the sword that resembles a cross? You guessed it....the all knowing, all righteous, and omnipresent religion of Christianity. Here to set things straight as they have for centuries.....for they embody all that is right in the ~~world~~ universe. Anyone who does not conform to their doctrine either leads misguided or blasphemous lives. You...yes you, my child. The Polyamorous one. You need help. For just as Polyamory is an abomination to the Holy Matrimony of Man & Wife, so shall the ones engaging in its sacrilegious ways pay the price of eternal damnation. It is God's will.

Is it obvious I'm in a trash-talking mood? Well, don't mind me.

Why am I zeroing in on Christianity? Well, because it is the 'Microsoft' of the world's modern religions...so they obviously have a hold on the majority of outspoken Poly critics. And they are outspoken. It's amazing the amount of cynic, prophet of doom, killjoy, religious sourpusses you'll find online....quick to point out why Poly anything is wrong. Actually...they're professionals at pointing out all kinds of wrong. But I'll read/hear them out. Why not? I am an open-minded information junkie after all. Although, I must admit, I have yet to be moved by any reason they offer as to why they might be right. No, I'm not an Atheist. I do believe we're all part of something magnificent. Something beyond our realm of understanding. But what's up with all the judging? What's with the 'God wouldn't approve of this and God wouldn't approve of that?' Answer me this, judgmental Christian....does God speak to you and tell you specifically to judge and look down on others? To make them feel like vile and repulsive human beings? Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't the scriptures reveal that Jesus preached peace, love and joy? That he had divine love for all humanity? And that in fact, God sent his only begotten son to sacrifice himself for our sins? The ultimate act of love? An act so powerful that you, yourself, would no doubt do in place of your own children so that they may live? Oh...he did? So then tell me, if you are living your life in honor of Jesus.....why is your heart filled with animosity and contempt?

“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged” - Bible (Matthew 7:1 and Luke 6:37)

Like I said earlier, I'm not fighting for some Polyamorous cause. I'm just your average Joe Schmo trying to get by and enjoy life while doing so. And believe it or not, I have much respect for the devout Christian. The devout follower of any faith for that matter. As I think religion offers great fulfillment and sense of purpose to one's life. If it truly leads them to living an honorable and loving life, then hey, I'm with it. And although I might not agree with their religious views, who am I to act cavalier? It's just I find it amusing that people can so strictly adhere to some regulated train-of-thought that they can not process any form of reasoning beyond the realm of their prescribed tunnel-vision. There's so much you can extract out of life in the short time we have on this beautiful rock called Earth. And no....I'm not advocating anything I'm doing. Do you, playa. Maybe I'm way 0ff, but I happen to think that being open-minded, on a broad level, is optimal to one's sense of worldliness and appreciation of the life we've been given. In layman's terms - Life is a gift, enjoy it. I would hope my kids grow up to face the world with a super-panoramic world view and treat their fellow man with a kind heart. Even the condescending Bible thumper.

Fine. Let me stop with the wise remarks already. My apologies for the long-winded tirade.
A couple of shadow boxing punches real quick. Hold up......

OK. I'm ready. Christians, gimme a hug.

Well, what has recently piquéd my interest is this extremely long article written by, a devout Christian Polyamorist, Bill Parris. I was so intrigued that I ended up reading the entire article in one sitting. His views are presented in an intelligently sound, well researched and compelling enough manner to make a very convincing argument. I very much enjoyed the man's progressive thinking. Not that I'll be running back to my Catholic roots and attending Sunday mass any lifetime soon. But I gotta say, I appreciate the fresh perspective. Well, fresh for me at least. In fact, there seems to be quite the number of Christians who think like him - as there is a movement. One called 'Liberated Christians'. Interesting huh?

So, this wrap this up.....

To all you avid readers, religious or not, and if you haven't already done so, I recommend giving his article a look-over. It's good stuff. And to all my Christians....I love you.

Mr. Wise-ass secular trash-talker,
Marco

Asura - La Chanson de Carla

16) You said what?

2010-03-05T09:52:00.012-05:00

Now then, back to the story, shall we? But before we do, a quick disclaimer....the next several entries reflect a dark period. Please be open-minded while reading. Alright then, here we go.....

The camping trip with the kids comes to an end. Fast forward some.....two weeks pass and we invite Ramon & Joanne over to our home - for the first time. Fwd.....it's later that night. We 'play' as a group. I get nervous. Again? Geez, what a loser. How's about we skip past that. Fwd.....fwd.....fwd.....fwd.....a couple weeks have passed. Jasmine and I are at home having a huge falling out. I'm furious at her and tell her I'm done hanging out with Ramon & Joanne. Done with swinging period. Joanne and I end up speaking on the phone. I tell her it's been great, hopefully we can all remain friends, yeah right, but I'm done with all that extra stuff - take care. I get on the computer. Delete our Swinger's profile. It's a wrap. Fuck swinging.

Wow, I was pretty upset. Let me back up some. Reeeeewind.........

OK, here we go. It's Memorial Day weekend aka my birthday weekend. We're at the campgrounds yet once again. It's become quite the get-a-way for us city folk, hasn't it? It's afternoon. Lakeside. Both women are lounging in those low sitting beach chairs. They're tanning and sipping on drinks. In a last minute rush to get out here, Jasmine and I forgot and left the Cranberry juice in the fridge at home. So now.....the drink of the day is Vodka mixed with the kids' leftover Capri Sun juices. We need to make a store run. But not now. Later.

Ramon's in the water. Swimming. Or wading. Take your pick. Me? Well, I'm still on land....chillin. Just digging my toes into the sand and admiring everything. I remembered to wear my sunglasses this time. All the sudden I hear, "Yo Marco! Heads up!" Ramon tosses a Nerf football my way. Of course, being the natural stud that I am, I easily make several catches and toss back. This goes on for a bit until he decides to throw a distant one and I have to start sprinting for it.

While sprinting, my eyes are fixed on the ball. I'm running. Running. Almost. Al....most.....there. I reach for the ball. Got it! Then Bamn! The sound of aluminum crashing into each other! I run right into someone else's beach chairs and stumble over them both. Plus a cooler. My body is hurling around and I end up on the ground. Luckily, no one was sitting in those chairs. But now sand's on my face and in the corner of my mouth. I get up to the sound of the women laughing. Wipe my mouth and spit out the rest. I'm slightly embarrassed, dust myself off and pretend like I meant to do that, "You see? THAT'S skill. Ain't nothing getting past me." Meanwhile I'm thinking, Damn, that shit hurt. Fucking beach chairs.

Jasmine responds to my bragging with, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You OK Papi? Need me to kiss your boo-boo?" Joanne laughs. I'm still acting cocky, "Please. I'll do that all day. Cause that's the type of dude I am. OK? Supreme athleticism right there. Recognize." They still laugh. Ah, whatever. I look down. Stupid chairs. I feel like kicking them halfway across the beach. They hit me right in the shin and the pain stings something horrible. But I can't let the women see me hurting. Not after the shit I talked. Tough it out homie. I see Ramon smiling, I'm guessing he's trying to hold in his laugh, "You aight bro?" "Yeah. Yeah I'm good. Here", as I toss the football back and head toward the beach chairs - to fix them back to their upright positions.

Fwd.....later that night.

Now before I continue, keep in my mind, the relationship is still of the mindset that we are all swingers. There hasn't been any talk of exclusivity or of taking things further. In fact, we still haven't reached the point of separately flirting with each other's spouse. No texting or phone calls between the women and men. It seems no one wants to come off disrespectful by doing so. As it stands, we're pretty much building on our friendship as a group.

So like I was saying.....later that night.
Might as well cut to the chase.

We're at the camper. Things get hot, and once again, clothes come off. Jasmine ends up with Ramon. Joanne with me. It took me a while to get past my mental road block (the performance anxiety monster). But eventually I was able. Such a frustrating handicap. OK, so the music is going and everybody is busy doing their thing. Sometime well into this group action Jasmine says to Ramon, "I love you." Whoah! Hold the press! Did I just hear what I think I heard? I know damn well my wife didn't just tell some dude, whom we've only known for a couple weeks, that she loves him. Fuck nah! Drunk & high or not.....this isn't sitting too well with me.

No one's aware of my sudden frustration, but while I'm trying my best to remain focused on Joanne, I'm giving Jasmine the evil look. She doesn't see me doing so but my eyes are fixed on her. I feel my heart starting to beat faster. My breathing starts becoming heavier. I know I'm about to pop so I close my eyes and inhale deeply.....Keep your cool mu'fucka. KEEP your cool. No need to cause a scene and make things real awkward for everyone. I exhale slowly.....open my eyes. I keep my composure. But I'm definitely approaching her on this the first chance I get.

Trust, I didn't waste any time either. When we all finished I ended up with Jasmine by my side. Joanne went off with Ramon. I got dressed and I asked Jasmine to go for a walk with me. "Right now?" "Yeah. C'mon." "OK. Fine. Let me get dressed." Because of her buzz, it took her a while to get herself together but I was pissed and refused to help. And what was just an annoying few minutes seemed like an eternity. I was growing restless and impatient. Ramon comes back around, "You guys good?" Jasmine laughs in one of those drunken, not altogether type laughs then responds, "Yeah. I can't find my other sandal though. And Marco wants to go for a walk." He joins in on the hunt and helps her find it. Good, can we leave now?

We get halfway down the dirt road and it's dark. Horror movie dark. But the moon is doing a decent job of lighting the woods. So we'll be fine. When we get far enough from eavesdropping distance I ask, "What's up with you telling him you love him?" "What?! What are you talking about?" "During sex. I heard you say you love him when y'all were busy going at it." "I don't know what you're talking about babe. Why would I tell him I love him?" "Exactly! Why the fuck did you? That's what I wanna know." "I didn't!" "Bullshit! I fuckin' heard you! I didn't just imagine it. You told him and I heard it!"

I stay quiet to remain as composed as I can.....

After about a minute she breaks the silence, "Look babe, seriously I don't remember saying it. But if that's what you heard then I guess I did. But if I did, then it was just sex talk babe." "Sex talk?! Sex talk?" I'm fuming now, "You don't hear me telling Joanne I love her. That's something you say to ME during sex, not that mu'fucka. Yo, you just played me in front of him. He's gonna probably think he got super dick now. Mu'fucka put it on you so good, he got my wife telling him she loves him." I'm beyond furious now, "Fuuuuuck!" I grit my teeth, ball my fists, then take a deep breath. Exhale. I wanna punch something so bad but I can't. I ain't punching a tree, that's for sure. This is so frustrating. Why did she have to say those words? Well, since I ain't punching a damn thing, I open my fists and ease up. Place both hands on top of my head. Look down. Then turn around and put both hands over my face. I need to think so I decide to stand still for a moment.....move my hands back up my face. Now my fingertips are touching my temples. I start massaging my temples. Shit. My mind is completely blank. I don't even know what else to say. I need a moment.........Ah, what's the use? I turn around toward Jasmine again. I hear her voice starting to crack, "I'm sorry Papi. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. It was the moment. The whole vibe. We're all together having sex. I was feeling nice. The sex was good and I guess I got caught up in the moment. I really don't remember saying it but I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to play you."

She tries to touch my hand but I refuse. Nah, go ahead with that. She has that sad rejected look, then turns away. A minute later I hear that noise a person makes when their nose is running and they're trying to suck it up. You know.....sniffles. And I think to myself, Whatever. Get out of here with that shit.

Another minute passes. It's silent, except for the sound of her sniffles.
Aaaargh.

I'm such a pussy. I've always had a soft spot for Jasmine crying - no matter how upset I am with her. So I'm standing there. Head facing the ground. Eyes closed now. The only thing I can think of doing is to listen to myself breathe. Slow, deep inhales. Pause. Then forceful exhales. I'm still pissed at her but I feel myself caving in. I hear a sniffle. Don't fall for it. Don't.....Fall. For. It. Another sniffle. Damn. My tough guy armor just collapsed. Wuss. I'm so disappointed in myself that I suck my teeth. Ah, whatever. What's done is done. I take one last slow, deep breath. Exhale loudly. Open my eyes.

I see her standing there, visibly upset. The tears are wiped off but it's obvious she was crying - her eyes are watery. I reach for her hand and slowly pull her in for a hug. She leans her head on my shoulder and I lean my head on hers. Another sniffle then ,"I'm sorry Papi." I don't say anything back. Just stand there holding her for a while. Finally, when I'm at my mellowest, "Aight babe. Forget about it. Let's go back. I didn't come all the way out here to beef with you. It was a slip up. That's it. I'm cool. I'm ready to chill again. You ready?" She looks into my eyes, I guess to see if I was sincere about being cool. "For real, I'm cool babe. Let's go", and I give her a kiss. She turns it into a long, passionate kiss and holds me tighter. When we finish she wipes her eyes one last time to hide the fact from Ramon & Joanne. I look at her then ask, "You ready?" "Yeah......yeah, I'm ready", and she gives me a quick tap kiss. "Let's go." We walk back toward the camper holding hands. As we get closer I smell the aroma of weed in the air. Ramon and Joanne are chilling by the campfire appreciating nature once again. Hmmm, maybe that's exactly what I need right now. Perfect.

John Legend - Let's Get Lifted Again

17) Show stopper.

2010-03-05T09:11:00.021-05:00

So after the ganja session, Joanne suggests we all walk down to the lake and go skinny dipping. Uh, I don't know about all that but sure, I'm down to go for a walk. Of course, before we get up and leave, Joanne re-ups both women's cups with drink. We never got around to making that store run for mixers....so tonight's drink of choice is wine. I don't remember which brand. Hell, there's about 22,000 different brands of wine. Who can keep up with all them? Joanne asks me if I want. "Nah, I'm good." I quit drinking for the day, cause hey, we can't all be foolishly drunk.

So after Joanne fills Jasmine's cup and walks back toward the cooler, I lean over and whisper in Jasmine's ear, "Babe. That's it. No more drinks tonight." She stands up, and to my frustration, responds loud enough for them to hear, "I'm good Papi. I just got a nice buzz. C'mon let's go", then gets up from her chair and reaches for my hand. I take one of those annoyed deep breaths, look down at the ground, stall for a sec, then stand up. I look at her as if she can read my mind, Why you had to respond so they can hear? Now I look like the party-pooper. She knows I'm annoyed but wants me to relax. She keeps reaching for my hand. Enough already with the sourpuss routine. Just reach for her hand. Sometimes I wish I could mute my inner-voice. But whatever. Fine. I reach for her hand. She smiles and we start walking.

We get to the lake and Ramon starts laughing, "Yo. The shit looks bugged out right? It looks like Friday the 13th - Crystal Lake out here." I look at the lake and.....oh shit, he's right. I see tall silhouettes of the trees surrounding the lake, the reflection of the moon on the water and the whole scenery is encompassed in darkness. Even the beach sand is faintly visible. This is exactly the type of environment people get murdered in. We could get killed. Right here. Right now. Our bodies hauled off into the woods and no one would ever find us. This shit ain't funny. Calm down. That's the weed messing with you. Relax. This is a secure campground. Take it easy. Take it easy, my ass. I seen way too many movies not to recognize a perfect killing-grounds when I see one. "Babe."........"Babe?" Yo, your wife is talking to you dummy. Huh? Your wife? Oh. "Yeah. I'm just admiring the reflection of the moonlight. It's beautiful." "It is right? Even at night time it's so peaceful out here." Ramon makes the infamous 'Jason Voorhees' sound effect....."Chich, chich, chich, chich....ha, ha, ha, ha." Everyone starts laughing. I hesitate, give a halfhearted laugh, but then realize I'm letting the weed affect my mood. So I laugh right along with them. A lot of good weed did you.

A couple minutes later I shake off my apprehensiveness fully and regain my swagger, "So who's first?" Joanne responds, "What are you talking about?" I smile, "You said we going skinny dipping right? Well, go ahead. Set it off." "Yeah, I meant everybody." "OK. But it was your idea. So you first." Ramon laughs. Jasmine puts her cup down on the sand and reaches for Joanne's hand, "C'mon. I'll go with you." They both run toward the water and kick their sandals off. Still holding hands, they take their first few steps into the water. Jasmine yells out, "Oh, hell no! The water is cold as fuck!" And she quickly lets go of Joanne's hand while rushing back onto the sand. Joanne follows suit. Ramon and I are both laughing. In the middle of laughing, I accidentally kick Jasmine's drink. Oooops. Oh well, I guess no more drinking for you my dear.

Jasmine goes straight for Ramon. Interesting. It kind of throws me off as I was not expecting that, but OK. Let's see how this goes. Joanne also notices and does the same for me. Now I'm slowly walking side-by-side with Joanne and we all head toward the lifeguard's chair - a fifteen foot high chair painted in white, wide enough to seat us all. But we don't climb up it. Just stand next to it and talk for a bit. We start off as group conversation but slowly Jasmine starts paying more mind to Ramon. Their interaction slowly fades into private conversation. I hear Jasmine giggling but I can't make out what Ramon is saying to her. They're standing face-to-face. Her hand is on his chest. Ah, just tune them out. Good idea. Cause right now I find myself becoming extremely irritated with Jasmine's new found fondness of Ramon. She's acting all giddy toward him and after the 'I love you' moment, all this attention toward him is starting to become about as comfortable as a one size too small button-up collar shirt. You got Joanne in front of you, stupid. Pay attention. I'm trying but I keep scanning to my left through my peripheral. Joanne starts kissing me. OK. This'll work. Yeah, this'll definitely work. I start to really get into the kiss. Put my hands on Joanne's face then slowly move them behind her ears to run my fingers through her hair. I love the way her hair feels. Soft. Plus she smells good. And her lips? They feel perfect. Damn, she's so sexy. Then.....What the fuck are they talking about over there? Yup, just that fast my thoughts are on Jasmine again. Joanne and I continue kissing but I keep turning my attention over there. A couple minutes pass and I start obsessing over their conversation. Joanne breaks my compulsiveness when she says, "Let's all sit up there." Jasmine replies, "OK." And we climb up the lifeguard chair's ladder. Cool.

The seating arrangement was still swapped. Jasmine next to Ramon and so forth. But at least I'm within earshot now. Go ahead and listen now, with your nosy ass. It didn't really matter anyways though, because within a few minutes the women start kissing each other and set play in motion once again. After the girl-on-girl kissing, the women turn their attention on us men. Joanne and I start kissing. They do the same. Then, she starts pleasing him. Great. So eager to please Ramon today I see. Now I'm getting irritated. Why didn't she wanna please me first? She always goes for me first. And plus.....It is my birthday. This is bullshit. I can't watch. I whisper to Joanne, "Let's go down on the sand." She whispers back, "OK", and we climb down. While climbing down, I look at Jasmine doing her thing. Thanks. Thanks a lot. I'm turned-off but tell myself to tune her out so as to not make Joanne feel unwanted.

Once we're on the ground, and a short walk away, I start kissing her. Slowly, while holding her lower back, I lower her onto the sand and I end up on top. Joanne looks so beautiful right now....laying there, with her hair all sprawled out. I can't believe I have her out here like this. I look at the water. The moon. Then at all the sand around us. Wow. Beautiful woman. Sex on the 'Beach'. Right here. Right now. Another first for the memory books. Life is good. I look back into her eyes and we start kissing again. After a few minutes, I hear noise in the background. It's Ramon and Jasmine. They're climbing down the ladder. Where are they going? I keep kissing Joanne but turn my head sideways left to see where they are going. Rude of me right? Well, right now I can't help it. So they're walking toward the billboard sign next to the lifeguard's chair. It's a six foot high by four foot wide sign which displays the lakeside rules. OK. Cool. They're not walking off. I feel better and turn my attention completely on Joanne now.

Things take me a while. Hey, I'm dealing with some jealousy issues here. But we get the wheels in motion. Slow. Passionate. Missionary style. The whole Sex on the 'Beach' appeal made it even more erotic. Euphoric almost. Her hands are moving up and down my back and everything about this feels so right. A couple minutes into it and it feels like we're lost into each other. Then.....I hear Jasmine moaning in the background. Loud as hell. I turn my head to peep. What the fuck?! Ramon is standing up, holding her up by her ~~bottom~~ ass. Jasmine is literally off the ground, her back is up against the billboard, arms spread out on top of the sign for extra support.....and it looks far more intense than any position I've ever tried with her. Aggressive even. She's completely enthralled by him and moaning like she's having the best sex she's ever had in her entire life. It looks like something straight out of a movie. It was too much for me. I feel Joanne's hand trying to turn my face back toward her so that I can focus on what we were doing. But I instantly I lose all desire to make love to her. I couldn't. I was done. The whole night, everything, the I love you, the extra attention toward Ramon, the giddiness, the pleasing him first. And now this? Nah, I was finished. My manhood was crushed. Obliterated. I felt like a deflated balloon. My swag was at negative 100 below. Non existent.

I tried to shake it off. C'mon bro, Joanne deserves your attention too. But this time, my 'Cool' tank was on E. So I got off her, stood up, and just like that I started getting dressed. I saw the awkward and confused expression on Joanne's face and I felt bad. But what was I to do? It was a wrap for me. Once I was done getting dressed, I sat down next to her and stared off into the woods. I couldn't even bring myself to watch Ramon and Jasmine as they kept going. The sounds of her moans were torture. I just sat there, thinking maybe I made a huge mistake for getting in this stupid ass swinger lifestyle. What have I gotten myself into? Bro, you just gonna sit here and let another man please your wife better than you? I started picturing us making love, of all the unconventional places we've done it since way back. Since High School. I pictured the night I lost my virginity to her. The teenage girl I fell in love with. The one who's been in my life long enough for me to witness her blossom into the beautiful woman she is. My wife. The woman I've regarded so sacredly is now in the hands of a more able man. It was killing me. And I felt even more crushed that Jasmine was oblivious to me.

You fucked up bro. You just unleashed the sexual monster in your wife. What you gonna do now, playa? Huh? I'm telling myself to shut up. I wanna mute my thoughts so bad right now. Joanne sits up next to me and fixes her summer dress but we don't say one word to each other. After a minute or two of our awkward live-porn entertainment, I say to Joanne, "You might as well go over there. Ain't nothing going on here. Your husband's a beast. Go ahead. Join the party." She didn't respond and for a while she didn't move either. Who knows what she was thinking or how she was feeling? Rejected? Insulted? Disappointed? Maybe she's giving me the finger in her mind? Maybe she thinks I'm a fuckin loser? I don't know. But after awhile, she stands up and heads toward them. Have fun. I remain seated on the sand, about 20 feet from all the action. Once Joanne joins them, Jasmine finally looks around for me. Yippee! Kind of late, dontcha think?

She realizes how awkward the situation looks and stops what she's doing. She unwraps her legs from around Ramon. Gets back on her feet. Leaves him and heads toward me. "What's up babe? Why are you sitting by yourself?" "Nah. Don't worry about it. You weren't concerned about what I was doing while you were busy. Why start now?" She sighs and sits next to me, "Babe, that's not fair. When me and Ramon climbed down I saw you on top of Joanne so I figured you two were good. It looked like you two were into each other." "Oh really? You've been throwing yourself all over him the whole night. I went on the sand because you were too busy with him to even notice me. You pleasuring him like it's his fuckin birthday or something."

She puts her hand over her mouth and looks surprised - like she knew she fucked up.
Awkward silence......

"Babe, I'm sooooo sorry. I forgot." I'm so disgusted by her reply that I can't even come up with a response. What you mean you forgot? You're the one who announced it to Joanne when we first arrived. I just sit there. Looking off into the woods and then over at Ramon and Joanne. They look like they're about to have some fun. Cool. At least she's in good hands now. Jasmine continues, "Babe. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, let's not fight over this. You're still having a nice birthday though. Isn't this what you wanted? What we're all doing?" I stay silent. Close my eyes for a bit. I don't even know how to feel right now. I'm experiencing a combination of jealousy, embarrassment, disappointment, intimidation and failure all in one. I try to blank my mind. Close my eyes. Concentrate on breathing. Open my eyes. Ramon and Joanne have started their sexcapade. "Babe. Please. Say something. Let's not ruin the night. I thought you were having a good time." I look up at the lifeguard's chair. Then down at my feet. Slowly, I begin digging my heels into the sand. Then, I zone in on my toes. I look at my left foot. Then over at my right. "Papi. Please. I thought you said you don't wanna fight?" I look up and stare at the ladder again. I'm spacing out in a sort of Twilight Zone mode. Everything I do is in slow motion. My eye movements. Even the way I blink. Slow and deliberate. I don't say anything to her. Just in my head. Why you have to moan so loud and rub it in my face? The silence finally breaks Jasmine. Through my peripheral I see her put her head down as if giving up. I turn my eyes slowly toward her, freeze, then back toward my front. Close them once more. One last deep breath. In.........and exhale.......Out. Open my eyes. Fine. I did say I don't wanna fight, didn't I? I turn slightly toward her and ask in a low voice, "So what you wanna do?"

Tricky - Overcome

18) Why?

2010-03-05T08:59:00.012-05:00

The next morning......

I hear the sound of the window Air-Conditioner running. Open my eyes. Sunlight is bleeding through the window shades. Turn my head. Yup, in bed by myself. Throw the sheets off me and sit up on the edge of bed. Fuck. I got a pounding headache. My mouth, matter fact my whole body feels cotton-dry. I shouldn't have drank that wine after I came back from the lake. Did I remember to bring the Gatorade? I hope so. I need some. Pronto. Hopefully it's in the fridge, nice and cold. Yawn.....OK, let me get my ass up off the bed already.

Wipe the coal from my eyes and I stand up. Open the door and step out the room. It's completely quiet. Looks like I'm the first one awake. Damn, what time is it? I walk back into the room. Look for my cell phone. Find it. 7 AM?! Damn, I only had two, maybe three hours of sleep. This is bullshit. I put the cell phone back and start stretching my arms. Yawn again......OK, let me go check on my stank-attitude-having wife. She's in the other bedroom. Yeah, she refused to sleep with me last night. I'll tell you what happened later. I walk over to her room. Open the door. She's sleeping peacefully. Should I wake her? Nah. Let her sleep. Close the door and I stand there looking around the camper. Ramon and Joanne's door is closed as well. I can hear him snoring. Loud mu'fucka. Well, while I'm here, might as well check the fridge for Gatorade. After a minute or two of searching....no luck. Damn. They're probably sitting in the trunk of the car - hot as fuck. Close the fridge door. Man, my head is pounding something fierce.

I look over at the sink. Then at the cups in the dish-rack. Then at the sink again. Should I? Eh.....fuck it, why not? I pour myself a cup of campground tap water. Down it. Fuck! That's some nasty ass water. I hope it didn't come straight from the lake. Wipe my mouth off with the back of my hand and put the cup in the sink. Won't be drinking that again. I stand there for a bit longer just looking around at everything. Still hear Ramon snoring. I open the freezer door. I don't know why, but I did. Nothing of interest so I close it. Stand there. OK. I need to do something. But what? I look at the sofa. Then at the TV. Hmmm. Nah, fuck TV. You know what? I need to take a shower. That's what I'll do. Maybe that'll help with this headache. I go back in my room, get my traveler's toiletry bag, a change of clothes, my towel, put on my flip-flops and head out down the dirt road to the public showers. The camper has a shower but I need some fresh air. It's beautiful out.

...................

It is now Monday morning. I'm at work. Jasmine's at work. The kids are in school. While at work I keep playing back the whole weekend in my head. All day I'm slightly distracted cause something doesn't feel right. I can't quite put my finger on it just yet, but something about Jasmine's demeanor around Ramon left a foul taste in my mouth.

..................

After the showstopping sex-scene on the lake, Jasmine and I stood up and got closer to Ramon & Joanne. They're already intensely doing their thing. After a couple minutes we start doing ours. But in the middle of it, I start feeling bothered again. Jasmine keeps looking over in their direction. I'm thinking, Hello? I'm right here. But I don't say anything. Just let it be. I keep doing what I'm doing all the while looking at Jasmine. Admiring her body. Her neckline. Her lips. She looks so beautiful. She's moaning. She sounded louder with him, didn't she? Shut up, not now. I close my eyes and start kissing her neck close to her ear. I'm feeling her body and she's doing the same to me. It feels great. I don't know bro, I think he got you beat. Shut the fuck up man. I open my eyes and I notice her looking their way. Again? See? I told you. You're yesterday's news bro. Don't feel bad though. You had a good run. Why can't I stop thinking sometimes? Fuck.

This time I was so bothered I couldn't help but speak on it. So in a frustrated whisper to her ear, I ask, "What? You'd rather be with him right now?" She looks at me and irritatingly responds, "What is your problem? All night you've been nitpicking. I'm just trying enjoy the night and go with the flow." "Yeah? Well, the flow is right here. Why you keep looking that way?" "We're all together aren't we?" "You're weren't looking my way when you were with him. Were you?" She has no response. Even though we're still having sex, I keep agitating the situation, "Even now. You ain't moaning as loud as you were for him. When you was with him, the whole fuckin campground knew you were having sex. Might as well had a megaphone to your mouth. With me? Nah. With me, you're too busy paying him mind." She had enough, "Get off me." "Fine." I get off her, "Why don't you go over there and let them know you want some more dick? Huh? Joanne definitely knows you enjoy her husband." "Why don't you go play with your dick?", as she walks off in the direction of the camper.

I don't know if Ramon & Joanne heard what was said, but I'm sure it was obvious things just went downhill. Awkward? Yup. But I'm spent. At this point, I didn't care what they were thinking. I know I wasn't gonna keep standing there though. So I pick Jasmine's sandals up off the ground and walk toward the camper as well.

................

My work consists of going out in the field in my assigned work van, performing preventive and repair type building maintenance for my agency's various offices. More or less a handyman but with a heavy emphasis on electrical work. The work is steady, but admittedly there is also plenty of down time. Hence, my steady interest in book reading and texting Jasmine throughout the day.

So, I'm going about my day. Jasmine and I made up the night before. Everything is cool. I text her. She texts back and the occasional chat goes on. Except today, her responses seem shorter and further apart than usual. Whenever she's consumed by work and too busy to chat she lets me know. Today was different. Maybe I'm letting the camping weekend affect my judgment but irregardless, I have an uneasy feeling today. Something's up. The end of the work day arrives and I ride my bike home. See, I live and work in the same city. Only two miles away actually. Sometimes I even walk. How else you think I fend off the fattening effects of beer? But anyways, I'm getting sidetracked again.

As soon as I get home I turn on the computer. I go to ATT.com - our cell phone service provider's website. Register our phone numbers and setup an online account. Yeah, that's right. I'm about to start snooping. I told you I had a real uneasy feeling about today. Sue me. After a couples of minutes, I navigate the site and find the link to check recent activity. I click on her number and go through the call log. I look. Look. Keep looking. Nope. A couple of short calls spread out over days. She's barely on the phone. I click on the Data portion to check the text messaging log. It's loading. The page refreshes. And....here we go. I see my number and another I don't recognize. Matter fact, it appears more than mine. I keep scrolling down. Numerous incoming and outgoing to that number. I click on the next page. Then the third. What the fuck?! The chatting goes back since early morning. And I thought she was busy. Hold on. Maybe it's not him. It could be somebody from her squad. One of her girls. Even though the area code is from New York, one of them lives out there. Remember? Or maybe it's Joanne. Yeah, maybe it is Joanne. Let me check.

I figure Joanne's and Ramon's number should be similar. Since that's how Jasmine and I set ours up - one digit difference. So I get my phone. Scroll through my contacts.....straight down to Ramon. Pull up the number on the screen then look at the computer monitor. Look at my phone again. Feels like my heart just stopped beating. It is him! They've been chatting all fuckin day! Now my heart is racing. My breathing becomes heavier. More rapid. I feel like I just got punched in the chest. I'm getting teary-eyed. I can't even think straight. Nah, she wouldn't. Why? Why would she do me like this? This whole swinging thing was supposed to be fun. Something we did together. To share the experiences. Not to be sneaking behind each other's back. Nah, I didn't sign up for this. Not this. This is wrong. Then, like a ton of bricks, a thought hits me. This ain't swinging. This is an affair! And stupid me. I basically handed her over to the dude. Damn, how could I be so stupid?!

I stand up. Start pacing back and forth across the room. My fists are balled up. I look at the monitor. For a quick sec I have the urge to rip it off the desk, throw it across the room and start blacking out in here. Damn, I actually have a tear falling down my face. Then another. Nah, Fuck this. Get yourself together bro. Calm down. Calm down and don't do nothing stupid. What if there's a good reason for this? You never had a reason to mistrust her before. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Relax. I wipe the tears off my face. Walk toward the computer. Log out. I look at the time on the alarm clock. She should be home any minute now.

K-OS - The Rain

19) Done playing.

2010-03-05T08:31:00.000-05:00

My son, who has a view of out-front while sitting in the living room, yells out, "Mom's home!" OK. Go to the bathroom and check the mirror. Make sure you show no signs. I walk there, flip the lights on, and look. Aight, cool. No dried up tears. You're good. I flip the lights off and step out. Aight, here we go. Ready? Just be cool. Treat it like any other day. Kiss her and chat like normal. Let's see if she brings it up first. I walk down the hall, pause at my daughter's bedroom doorway and look at her. The rule in our home is 'Doors stay open at all times unless you're getting dressed.' You want privacy? Get a job and get your own place. It's a rule instilled in me as a kid by my mother.

Anyways, I see her sitting on her bed. Backpack wide open on the floor, a few textbooks on her bed and she's busy writing into her notebook. "You have a lot more to go?" She looks up at me, "No. Just two more assignments and I'm done." "OK. Well, if you get stuck let me know." "OK daddy." I walk past my son's room and keep going down the hall till I reach the living room. My son's reclining on one of the sofa armrests. Remote control in hand. Channel surfing. For a kid who I barely see doing homework, he manages to make Honor Roll consistently. It must be the genius genes I passed down. Both of them bring home good report cards. Anyways, "Get off sofa like that. You know better." He responds like he hasn't already heard me say it a million times before, "Oh. OK." He slides off the armrest onto the cushion, "Mom's home." "I know. I heard you down the hall. Thanks." He continues channel surfing. I walk up to the window. Look out. Yup, there she goes. She's getting out the car.

By now, I've managed to calm myself down considerably. Anxious? Yes. Like a prize-fighter working his way to the ring on the big night. But overall, I'm calm. Rationale. I'm still a bit apprehensive but for the most part, I'm cool. I hear her opening the outer entrance door. OK, here she comes. I open our door. See, we live in a two-family home. Our tenants have the upstairs apartment. Us, the downstairs. Then there's the basement level, which you already know about. There's a stairwell leading to each floor.

But like I was saying....I open the door. She walks up the steps, sees me standing in the doorway and smiles, "Hey babe." Gives me a kiss and walks inside. I close the door. "How was your bike ride home? See any of your homies on the way?" Sometimes she clowns me about riding through the 'hood on my bike. "Ha, ha. Funny. Nah, but I seen your ex again. He's still stankin and begging for change." "Whatever. That's your homeboy from back in the day. Don't try to put him off on me." "Please. He told me the other day his biggest mistake was losing you. That y'all could've made mad change together. You take one corner. He takes the other." She looks at me and smirks, "Fuck you. Your mom already got that corner locked." "Nah, you got our mom's mixed up again." Ah, there goes the sign of defeat.....she smiles and gives me the middle finger. I give a half smile in return, "So anyways, how was work?"

She makes that exhausted 'aargh' noise then, "Same as always. Patients wearing me out. I feel like I'm the slowest nurse there. I'm always so behind giving out meds." Yeah, I bet. Ramon taking up too much of your time? She looks over at our son, "Well, hello Alex. You don't say Hi to me anymore? I don't get a hug or anything?" My son, still slouched on the sofa with remote in hand, turns and responds, "Oh. Hey mom", then lazily gets up to give her a hug. "You're not too grown to show your mother some love you know." Oh, I'm sure you're getting plenty love. They hug. "Denise!" she yells down the hall. My daughter comes running, "Hi Mommy", and gives her a hug. Now she's embracing both kids. "So how was school you guys?" My daughter responds first, "Good", then my son, "It was good." Jasmine realizes the kids' faces are up against her scrubs, "Oh, sorry guys", and lets go. "I don't want you guys catching something from my job. I'ma go take a shower now." She looks at me, "You wanna join?" Fuck no. "Sure. You get in first though. Rinse off and relax for a minute. Then I'll get in."

We're in the bedroom. Door's closed. She's taking off her scrubs and I'm laying on the bed. After she's completely naked I ask, "Soooo. Anything exciting or new happen today?" She pauses for a minute as if she had to give it some thought. Then, "Hmmm. No. Just a normal day." Can't look at me while saying that, huh? OK. I see how this is gonna go down. "Nothing?" "Nope. Not really. Why?" "Nah, just asking. Well, work was pretty busy for me." "Yeah, me too." Fuckin liar. She starts walking toward the bathroom while crossing her arms over her breasts, "You sure you don't wanna jump in with me? You stink too." "Nah, go ahead. I'll be in a minute." "OK." She turns the water on. Waits for it to get warm enough. Then gets in and closes the curtain.

I wait a few seconds. A few more. And.....OK. I get up off the bed and move with purpose. Where's her phone? I see her tote-bag on the floor. Open it up. Start digging. Bamn! I got it. Let me see what the fuck they've been chatting about all day. She has a Palm Treo which conveniently stores all incoming and outgoing messages from any conversation together. Sort of like a chat room for each contact. So I tap on the touchscreen and go to messages. I see our convo. OK. Where's the convo with him? I check outgoing. Nothing. Incoming. Nope. Just my convo with her. Get the fuck out here. She erased it?! She actually erased it! Lying, sneaky mu'fucka! How long has this been going on?! Fuck! Hold on. Think. OK. Let me check to see if I'm the last to know about this. I go through her contact list and find Joanne. Hit the green call button. I hear the ringing sound. "Babe?! You coming in or not?" "Yeah! Hold on." Still ringing. Ringing. Then, "Hello?" "Hello, Joanne? This is Marco."

She sounds excited but at the same time I can tell my voice took her by surprise, "Oh.......hey! How are you? Is everything OK?" "Yeah, yeah. Listen, you know anything about my wife and your husband texting each other?" "Uh.....no. Why? Are they?" "Yeah. All damn day. I just found out they've been chatting all day and she erased the entire conversation. Now I have no idea what they were chatting about." She has no response. I continue, "Do me a favor. When you speak to your husband, tell him not to text my wife any more. All this.......what we're doing? I'm done with it. My wife's sneaking around texting him then trying to cover her tracks? Nah. This ain't for me. Tell your husband I ain't feeling what he did. Dude violated. He violated big time and I want no parts of this anymore." I didn't give her a chance to respond. I jump right back in, "Sorry it has to end like this but I'm done. Take care Joanne. I gotta go." "Wait." "Sorry. I feel stupid as hell right now. I gotta get off." "OK. I'm sorry about this. I'ma try to find out exactly what's going on." "Sure. Alright, take care. Bye." She responds in a very soft voice, "Bye." Hit the end call button and walk over to the bathroom with the phone in hand.

Rip open the shower curtain, "Where's the convo with Ramon?" She wipes off the water running over her eyes, "What?" "The convo! The fuckin convo you've been having all day with Ramon! What? You didn't think I was gonna find out?!" She has a blank expression. It seems I caught her completely off guard. "How long have y'all been texting each other? Days? Weeks?!" After a short delay, she responds in a meek voice, "It's the first time we ever did." "Oh really?! Then why'd you delete it?! You come home and act like nothing new happened! What you trying to hide?!" Again, no response. "You ain't got shit to say, huh?! Whatever. I hope it was worth it, whatever the hell y'all were talking about. Cause this shit is finished! Hanging out with them? Over! Matter fact, I just got off the phone with Joanne. She knows now." Jasmine looks dazed. "Tell me, what's the point of swinging if you're gonna be sneaking around lying to me? And to Joanne as well? Some friend you are. You know what? It don't even matter. I'm done. Fuck swinging. I hope you had fun!" Rip the shower curtain closed, drop the phone and start walking toward the bedroom. I hear Jasmine open the curtain, "Babe. You don't give me a chance to explain."

By now, you should be pretty familiar with how I get when upset. No need to bother with descriptive sentences here, right? I was pissed. But more than that, I felt like a sucker. A laughing stock of a man. This feeling of embarrassment topped with betrayal was boiling into rage. It was starting to consume me. I gotta get out of here. Now. If I don't, I'ma end up doing something really stupid. Walk out. For your own good, walk out right now. I head toward the bedroom door. Jasmine's getting out the shower, "Babe. Wait." Walk out and slam the door behind me.

Mt Eden Dubstep - Sierra Leone

20) OK. Let's fix this.

2010-03-05T08:22:00.008-05:00

OK, it's abundantly clear that I was not a happy camper. <---- Ha, happy camper. Get it? Cause I was upset about the camping weekend, ya know? Alright, fine. That was corny, I know. Anyways - the past couple of entries all seem pretty gloomy. Me being a crabby, jealous sourpuss and all. So let's change gears and speed through the rest of this dark period. Ready? Here we go.....

I go downstairs. Into the garage. Turn on the music. That grimy, hardcore hip hop. Blast the volume. Stretch. Get on the bench. Lift weights. About a half hour later, Jasmine walks into the garage, phone in hand, "I just got off the phone with Joanne. I told her everything. She already spoke with Ramon. She wants to talk to you. I told her to call you on your phone. Is that OK?" Well, I guess it is. You already told her to. "Sure. Whatever." "So, are we gonna talk about this?" I put the barbell back on its rest bracket and sit up. "Go ahead." Mind you, I'm in a way calmer state of mind now. While lifting, I remembered she had Ramon's number on her phone since the beginning. We didn't know at the time but back then Joanne was reluctant to give out her number. So the first couple of calls and text messages were from his phone on her behalf. I guess she was playing it safe just in case we ended up being creepy stalkers or something. But anyways, I look up at Jasmine, "So. You gonna tell me how long you guys been chatting?"

She speaks calmly but has a saddened expression like she wants to apologize so bad, "Today was the first time ever. I swear." "Then why'd you erase it. Why hide it from me?" "I don't know. I was nervous. I didn't know how you were gonna take it. You already got upset over the weekend and I didn't want to cause any more problems with you." I make that confused expression on my face, "Uh, don't you think hiding the fact from me is gonna cause problems?" The whole while she's standing in the garage doorway, "Yeah, but then we got carried away chatting and we started flirting." I sigh and look down, "So...who hit who up first?"

"I did. I wanted to ask him if it was true that I told him I loved him during sex. He responded back confused, like he didn't know what I was talking about. He said he don't remember me ever saying that. We chatted about that for a while and he agreed that if I did say it, that I must've said it out of excitement. The moment and all." "I heard you say it. But fine, whatever. So after that? What? Y'all just started flirting? I mean obviously y'all had a lot to chat about if it went on all day." Now she sighs and has that look of trying to remember, "I don't know, we started talking about the whole thing. How it looked so romantic, being on the lake at night. The moonlight. The way everything just happened. The way me and him did it. You and Joanne laying on the sand. Everything. It felt unreal to me. It was such beautiful experience. We mostly talked about that." "C'mon, don't hold back. You said you were flirting."

It was pretty tame so no need to keep going into details here. Lets fast forward.......

By the end of the night I was calm but confused. I mean, Jasmine told me quite a bit about her convo with Ramon. Some of it took me a while to digest but I was cool with it. I believed her sincerity. And I understood why she was so nervous. She was right, after I witnessed how she was all over him - the last thing I needed was another reminder of how much she's starting to like Ramon. I mean we're swingers. Never once did we discuss falling for anyone else. That was a completely foreign and taboo concept. Dangerous grounds. At least for me it was. What got me upset all over was when I went out to the car and seen that she had gotten sideswiped on the way home from work. Right away, I pictured her being so engulfed with the texting, that she wasn't paying mind to the road. Now the car looked like shit. And she failed to mentioned this when she walked in the house. I got heated. Jealous too. I mean, she never got into a car accident while texting me. Is Ramon that much more of a man, that he can occupy her mind in ways that I can't. It was a devastating blow to my ego. I was dealing with a lot here.

I went back in the house. She assured me she wasn't texting him while driving. I didn't believe her. I asked her to please leave me alone. I didn't wanna talk anymore. I felt humiliated, frustrated....everything. Joanne called me and I picked up...but to no avail on working things out on my end. I agreed we could all still be friends, but realistically what were the odds? You think I wanted my wife around Ramon again? We hung up and I was left to my thoughts. The stress overwhelmed me and I just shut down. I went to bed early for the night. Jasmine slept downstairs.

In the middle of the night, I hear the sound of an incoming message on my Blackberry Bold. I ignore it. Then I hear it go off a couple of times. Sounds like I was getting multiple messages in rapid fire. I throw the covers off and check my phone. There's twelve messages. The first eleven were text messages of a long one broken up. They were incomplete anyhow. The last was an email of the same broken up messages except the email was of the whole thing in one - obviously. I start reading. It's from Ramon. It was a lengthy letter he had typed on his Blackberry. To summarize it, he expressed his extreme apologies for how everything went down. That my wife was concerned about the I Love You moment and that yes they did flirt but it was done innocently and tasteful. Nothing vulgar. That my wife was mostly concerned. That in fact she told him she would no longer text him and to please delete the convo as well because she doesn't want Joanne thinking ill of her. That he told her not to worry, she's not doing anything wrong but since she was so nervous he obliged. He also wrote that he was so glad to meet us and to have had the opportunity to get to know me and my family. That our kids got along great. That in fact, him and his wife don't even want another couple, we're the ones. The letter kept going...it was a fairly long one. But I was so moved by it, that I reread it four times. I was blown away by his effort and I saw him in a different light. Ramon's a stand-up guy.

I get up out of bed and go downstairs to get Jasmine. She's knocked out on the sofa but she's a light sleeper. I caress her face and she opens her eyes. I get closer and whisper, "Babe. Come to bed." She takes a few seconds, I guess either to register what I just said or she wanted to make sure I wasn't still upset. "Please, c'mon babe. Come to bed with me." She pulls off the sheets and stands up. I reach for her hand then give her a hug. She embraces me tightly.

John Legend - I Love You, Love

21) Polyamory Paradigm

2010-03-05T08:15:00.001-05:00

And now, for one of the greatest things about blogging, besides connecting with readers of course.....collaborative efforts. Being that I consider myself a rookie to the whole blogosphere, I immersed myself in it. Reading others' blogs, seeing things from their perspective and while doing so I've come across some very good reading. I like leaving comments not only to engage but to acknowledge my appreciation. You can usually tell when someone pours their heart and soul into their words. But I thought, "What better way to compliment a fellow blogger, who's writings I've thoroughly enjoyed, than by asking them to contribute toward mine?" So, I did just that. Well, lo and behold, a fellow blogger, who I hold in high esteem, responded to the call and here he is. Folks, I give you Polyamory Paradigm.......

When Marco asked me to write an article for his blog we were both a bit skeptical about how it might work. My writing style would obviously be different. But Marco is also writing a blog as a story, each article an episode in his wonderful journey. And as interesting as his story is, I'm not a part of that journey. I've never shaken his hand, flirted with his wife, gone on one of his juicy camping trips, or played with his kids.

How in the world was I going to write an article for his blog? It took me a bit of thinking before I realized that for all the differences we have, Marco and I are quite similar. We are both traveling down the poly path. We both have kids. We have both been married. And we have both made a few mistakes. As a whole, we aren't that much different.

That's when it struck me; rather than trying to fit into Marco's blog at a particular point I needed to look at the whole story. So lets take a look at what Marco's blog says to me. . .

It seems a lot of folks I talk to about Polyamory have fallen into the lifestyle rather than having chased it down with a butterfly net. When I read Marco's blog I'm reminded of mistakes I've made. And I'm also reminded once again how much we are all alike. The same mistakes I've made and Marco (and his quad) have made are many of the same mistakes made by others. And before we get depressed and think that Polyamory is a migraine with thorns, it happens to monogamous folks as well. But most poly-folk I know bend over backwards to keep the relationship viable and make it work so they don't have to go find someone new. I'm not saying Poly is perfect, but I do like that way of thinking. For some it may be a better way (I know it is for me), and for some serial monogamy may be the only way.

I am enjoying reading about Marco's travels and those of his quad. They are learning and growing. And Marco is obviously dedicated to learning more about Polyamory and not repeating his mistakes. Which reminds me again how similar we are. We are both writing not to showcase our achievements or bemoan our mistakes, but to help others who may choose to try walking the poly path. If you take away nothing else from this blog, realize it is from a man who wants only to share his joy and help others.

Marco has a colorful, expressive way of writing that conveys emotions well. He gives up his feelings freely to those who read his words and without preaching, hopes to share some of his wisdom. I am honored he has let me contribute to his efforts and hope he will let me do so again. It is my hope to also have Marco as a guest on my blog in the near future so he can share his experiences with my readers as well. My sincere hope is that we both contribute to your success and enjoyment of the Polyamorous lifestyle.

Love freely and be well.

Polyamory Paradigm

There you have it. Sharing.....a beautiful thing. Is it not? Well, the honor is mine having him as a guest. The man has a very appealing style of writing - almost as if holding a conversation with you. And although his blog has only been around a short while, it is already filled with a ton of interesting and entertaining articles which encourage discussion. Definitely a joy to read through. We need more good-spirited Polyamorous themed blogs like his out there. That being said, I see no reason why we all can't promote one another in order to help get our stories and life experiences out there for the world to see. Like he wrote in one of his articles...let's expand this small Poly bubble of ours.

Artemis - Beautiful Life

22) Long road ahead.

2010-03-05T08:07:00.010-05:00

Another brief intermission if I may.

On the journey toward Polyamory, that fiasco of a Memorial Day weekend ended up being my darkest period. It was crazy. The emotional equivalence of......ummmm.......let's say the movie 2012. Yeah, that's it. No, wait a minute. More like Godzilla meets NYC. Except, in this version it was a giant toddler wreaking havoc. A ginormous 'terrible two stage' toddler, in full-blown pout mode, smashing everything in sight because he didn't wanna share. Especially not with his most prized possession. Hell nah. "Gimme! She's mine!!"

Possessive.

That mindset, mixed with a huge dose of jealousy, makes for one helluva conniption. Stand back! Homeboy's about to lose it! And compersion? Please. Had you spoken to me of compersion at the time, I would've treated any mention of it like I do toilet paper. No need to get graphic. You know what I mean. So for all the progress I've made in opening up, never mind being Polyamorous, just the progress I've made in opening up to my current mindset.....I gotta hand it to myself. Jasmine recently spent an entire weekend with Ramon & Joanne as I stood behind to simply hang out and do my own thing. Shiiiiiit.....I think I deserve ~~a six-pack,~~ ~~no a case of~~ a whole keg of Heineken for that. Give it up people. Give. It. Up.

And despite our grievances and differences with one another, Ramon and I have made major strides as of late in regards to our friendship. He recently invited me, along with two of his friends, to party without the women....Hangover style. Las Vegas? Nope. Close, but Atlantic City was the destination. So, in his car, off we went. The four of us hit up the casinos. Step into one resort. Money came. Step into another. Money went. Oh well. Afterward, we hit up an all-nude strip club. Oh yeah. A swanky upscale establishment which doesn't serve alcohol but instead allows its patrons to bring their own. So of course, I walk into the venue with party briefcase in hand - a twelve pack of Heineken. But of course.

The place was as lively as any regular club. Dark. Plenty of hi-tech and rotating lighting effects. The DJ's voice blaring through the speakers as he keeps the music bumping. Women dancing on elevated poles spread throughout the joint. Plenty of touchy-feely women strolling through the crowd - treating every guy in there like the sexiest man on the planet - as they solicit their lap-dancing services. Then of course, the stage. Indeed the main attraction with it's throne style chair propped in the middle. The solo dancer giving a crowd pleasing performance on top of the seated and lucky Bachelor. Or unlucky. Depending on how you want to look at it. Cause at the end of the very tantalizing and erotic routine, the poor sap is left walking off stage with red slap marks on his ass and a wedgie style, ripped up to his shoulders, underwear to match. Ouch! This goes on all night.....guys getting the royally seductive treatment only to be ridiculed from the throne with shreds of their boxer briefs hanging out their pants. And the crowd loves it.

Beers everywhere get raised as victim after victim get cheered off stage. Not unruly, but the crowd definitely showed it's appreciation for the night's entertainment. And damn, was it packed. To the gills. In fact, when we finally stepped out to leave for the night, there was still a gang of people waiting to get in. Bouncers looked like they were annoyingly doing their job.....barking at the crowd to remain in a single line. Of course, the growing crowd attracted local police. So here they come. One patrol car after the other. The unwelcomed police presence enticed those waiting in line to start chanting in unison, "Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na! Hey, hey, hey! Go home!" It was hilarious. Even the cops couldn't help but smile and laugh as this was going on. But that didn't stop them from parking in front of the venue and making themselves comfortable....welcomed or not. Yeah, it was quite the popular spot. I most definitely give it two thumbs up.

The car ride was just as memorable. One of his friends was, hands-down, the life of the party. A pudgy dude with a strong Brooklyn accent. He had us all dying laughing with his shit talking, vivid remarks and crude jokes. Midgets, a definite fascination of his. Homeboy was funny as hell. And weed?? Wow! I thought Ramon smoked a lot. Shiiiiiit. I never been exposed to so much weed smoke, in such short a span of time, in my entire life. It almost felt like the world was about to end. Tomorrow! So let's make sure we smoke all this shit. ASAP! I joined the cause but had to pass up the offer a few times. I mean, Heineken after Heineken? Then blunt after blunt? PLUS
we took shots of Hennessy? Ah man! That reminds me. What kind of person goes out to party, gets high and starts worrying about uncompleted tasks on his things-to-do list and about his FICO credit score? A retard like me. That's who. I don't know what's the matter with me sometimes. But anyways....

Ramon was the musical MacGyver. See, his car was recently broken into. And unfortunately the thieving assholes left him without a stereo or speakers. I remember when my car was stolen a few years back. I had it all hooked up; windows completely tinted, nice ass rims, custom interior, and a bangin' sound system. Damn, I loved that car. I wanted to cry when I stepped out my apartment only to find my designated parking spot empty. Dickheads. Sorry, got side-tracked again. Like I was saying.....since Ramon had no sound system whatsoever, he improvised. We're riding around listening to some quality Hip Hop tunes, all courtesy of his iPod. Which was hooked up to a pair of computer monitor speakers - which fed into a power inverter - plugged into the cigarette lighter socket. Ingenious! Hells yes! Hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do right?

So....the weekend was great! A huge notch in the win column for my friendship with Ramon. Things are definitely much improved. And for the quad in general. I gotta laugh at all the ridiculously tense situations we've faced so far. The subliminal "Fuck you!" "Fuck me?! No, fuck you!!" moments between us all. But hey, here we are. It's crazy. Oh, I'm not naive. I'm prepared for more potentially stressful situations. Nobody ever said something worth having is gonna come easy. Work. I put it in. And when it comes to my crew, I'ma workaholic. A workaholic already enduring the rigors of a marathon. It's a long road ahead folks. So all those finish line ribbons? Yeah, you could put those away.

Dilated Peoples - Marathon

23) Places, everyone. Aaaaaaaaand........

2010-03-05T08:05:00.010-05:00

Action!!

I was feeling a lot less threatened. Being displaced as a second-rate man no longer permeated my thoughts. So after Jasmine and I got to talking, I felt compelled to respond to Ramon's email. True, I could've simply called and let him know that everything was cool - let's move on. But I figured since he took the time to write down his thoughts and concerns, I would do the same. Besides, writing is a lot easier way for me to respond without distraction. I'm in my element.

So, similar to how Jeter approaches the plate, I cool and calmly approached my response. I thanked him for his sincerity. Told him everything is cool and of course we can continue building on our friendship as a group by doing regular stuff. But also that we didn't have to regress to strictly girl-on-girl play as he suggested. That I was cool about how things were progressing. That in fact, it was cool for Jasmine and him to text each other. Even flirt. But that it should be done openly. No messages deleted. Baby steps here. I need to see what's going on. And by the end of my response, I basically stated that this misunderstanding was water under the bridge. That they're cool peoples and Jasmine & I look forward to a wonderful friendship with them - so let's move past this. The end.

The next day he wrote once more. Basically reiterating everything that has already been said, but also that he was glad everything is cool. That he knows we're in for some good memories ahead. Then....the magic words. He wrote that he was also cool with me texting Joanne. Flirting too - not only in text but in person as well. Bingo! Even though Jasmine and him have already done so, I didn't want to rudely assume it was OK to go ahead and start hitting up Joanne. I'm a respectful person. Now, of course I didn't take his suggestion and run with it. The chatting and flirting got off to a slow start. But.....the drawbridge to Joanne's heart was just let down. Accidental or not, an entirely new opportunity just presented itself. Did I mention that I can be quite the flirt? Jokester? Debonair and suave as well? Oh, I'm good. When I'm in the zone? Trust. Oh I may even say some corny stuff. But women.....try as you may, you won't be able to resist the smile my words induce. Nah.

OK, pardon me while I deflate my head. I get carried away at times.....in case you haven't noticed.

Oh, you have?

Well....., anyways. I'm good now.
Ahem.

So where was I?
Oh yeah.

This unrestricted freedom to be myself with Joanne ended up having consequences. I'll reveal how later. But after my temper tantrum, things got back on track. Destination? Good times. And damn did we have plenty; club parties, house parties, beach parties, boat parties, and of course more camping. Not too mention all the outings we had with our kids. Things were going great! Before long I wanted to get out from the front-seat of this Polyamory roller coaster and actually be the conductor. So I came out and revealed my ~~growing feelings~~ love for Joanne. Funny huh? The guy who blew up in a jealous rage ended up being the one moving things too fast.

It was almost as if we were running through a minefield. I was Mr. retarded Gung-ho foolishly sprinting through the mines. Joanne running alongside me, smiling and holding onto my hand. I'm full of adrenaline and yelling out, "Now this is what the fuck I'm talking about right here! THIS is what life is all about!!" Jasmine is just as excited but she's running at a slower pace. She wants to run up front with us but she keeps a fluctuating 'accordion style' distance between us and Ramon so as not to leave him behind. He's cautiously trailing behind yet frustratingly trying to keep up. He's trying. But we're all moving at an annoyingly fast pace for him. He enjoys Jasmine's company but his eyes are on Joanne who's way up front with me. Joanne never looks back to check on him and this makes all the running even more annoying for him. The whole thing gets under his skin. Eventually he completely fixes his gaze on her and then.......

Emancipator - Nevergreen