1) My wife has a boyfriend.

And oh yeah, I have a girlfriend. OK, I'll explain.

Well, I think I can safely assume, that as a group, we're definitely more comfortable with being 'closet Polyamorous'. By now, each of us have probably told a close friend, or two, about what we're doing - I know I have - but to come out publicly with family and co-workers?....nah, that's something I don't think any of us are prepared to do. Not yet anyhow. So for the meantime, I'll just pick some pseudonyms for each member involved and give you a quick background before I get to the gist of things. Here we go....

Couple #1
That would be me, Marco, and my lovely wife, Jasmine. High school sweethearts now in our early thirties, married with two children (boy and girl - both elementary school age). We both hold down what society deems as 'blue-collar' career type jobs. All in all, I'd like to say we're your average working class and happily married couple. We don't always see eye to eye, but we love each other very much.

Couple #2
Our other half, as we like to call them, would be Ramon, and his gorgeous wife, Joanne. They've been together almost as long as us - they hooked up a few years after high school. They're also married, are in their early thirties and coincidentally have a son and daughter pretty much the same ages as our own. They're also working class people and have a very passionate relationship with each other as well.

Under normal circumstances, we all probably would've never met due to distance alone. They both work and live in NYC, meanwhile my wife and I work and live in New Jersey. Sooooo....how did we all end up together? And why in the hell are we sharing each others spouses to begin with? Well I'll tell you.

I won't bore you with every intricate detail as to how we met, but thanks to this classy establishment out in Long Island, the Manor, we hooked up with the intent of 'swinging'. Yes, after years of flirting with the concept, Jasmine and I decided to finally to go out there and 'just do it' - ok, ok that was corny but you get the idea. We saw them, they saw us, we mingled, drank, danced, one thing lead to the next and before you know it we left the Manor, they got a room, we had a mini-orgy, then come morning Jasmine and I drove back to Jersey .... so we could get some sleep. It was great! We talked about the whole experience afterward and realized that we never exchanged phone numbers or if it was even appropriate to ask...we were newbies to the swinging 'scene' after all. Anyhow, a couple of months passed and we bumped into them at another party - this time in the city. I remember Jasmine and I being really excited to see them again and once the ladies started chatting, the sparks started flying. We didn't 'play' that night, but we all talked, had some good laughs and this time we made sure we exchanged phone numbers. That night was the start of something very special for us.

So what probably would've been chalked up as nothing more than a wild and extremely memorable night, for any couple bold enough to experiment with the swinger lifestyle, has somehow evolved into this exclusive and intimate group relationship. Let me just briefly clarify that both of us men are Straight and yet somehow lucky enough to be married to not only very beautiful but also fully bi-sexual wives. You gotta appreciate that! Ok, so before I come off as some kind of chauvinist pig or some horn dog who is more than happy to share his wife in order to bag another man's wife.....let me assure you that is not the case. In fact, I probably am not the most ideal type of person for the Swinger, much less Polyamory, lifestyle as I will reveal in due time.

Now, more than a year after our initial encounter, here we are. And what was once this super-exciting, roller coaster of sexual escapades... something that started out as weekend hangouts-turned-passionate nights, escalated into endless back & forth emails, phone calls and text messages between his wife (who in time 'became' my girlfriend) and I, him and my wife (now his girlfriend), then evolved into a more serious relationship filled with plenty of fun outings with our kids, mid-week family game/movie nights, weekend camping trips, then highly romanticized talks of future plans together.....has now landed in murky waters. To be blunt....things are fuckin' awkward as hell right now.

This is not the first time we've been in a slump, but it definitely is the worst. I've been racking my brain for days now trying to figure how I might've mishandled things, what could I have said/done differently, and every other type of thought one has when things are not looking so good in their relationship. Mind you, there is no "Polyamory for Dummies" we can refer to for help...not that any of us could find anyways. Hell, at first none of us were even aware that there was an actual word for what we were doing. We just considered ourselves swingers exclusive to each other....who knew feelings would come into play? Once that happened....forget it, we started questioning everything. Is this right? Should we be doing this? What if someone falls too hard for the others spouse? Then, we all started feeling comfortable with the idea...in fact, we even relished the whole situation. We thought we were some kind of next-gen swingers or the next evolution of humans, Mankind 2.0. Ok, that's a bit of a stretch.....but we were excited about all this. And although we all felt like we were crossing uncharted waters without any idea of how much further everyone was willing to go....everyone seemed brave enough to give it a shot. What a journey it's been. When things were good, it was great! And not to sound cheesy, but we've shared some moments that I'll remember for the rest of my life. But alas....this. It's like the batteries died.

Things have gotten so bad, we recently met for lunch - dinner wasn't even an option - in order to discuss ways we can try to resolve our current - and shitty - situation and hopefully get back to how things were...when everything was fun. It's been a couple days since, and for the first time ever we decided we'd try going to the movie theater, Brady bunch style. But in my opinion - going to the movies is the easiest way to spend time together while completely avoiding conversation. Even the way we sat in the row was distant (all four kids in the middle - while they sat on one end and we sat on the other)...real romantic right? So apparently the agreed upon 'starting fresh with a clean slate' idea is not working so well. At least from my point of view. Somehow we gotta get out of this rut we're in.

I am willing to give this relationship the utmost effort to make it last, as I have grown to love Joanne very much and I know Ramon loves my Jasmine. The women must love both of us men very much as well or else I couldn't imagine either one willing to endure so much drama for this long. The problem, as far as we all see it, stems from his and my insecurities and jealousies (although we both like to use the infamous 'male ego' as our excuse...I suppose it does sound more masculine). More on that later though.

I'm sure the light bulb will go on in somebody's head as to how we proceed from here. The closest comparison I can make to the current mess we're in....would probably be the first year of living with my wife. Damn, that was a rough year...it definitely took lots of love to make it past that with our relationship fully intact, and I'd dare say stronger. So being that we all don't live together, I'm confident we'll come out of this just fine and get on with the business of happiness - how a family is supposed to. After all, each one of us choose this....we wanted this and I very much still do. I hope everyone else does as well...it's just gonna take some work.

Flunk - Personal Stereo


Natja's Natterings said...

Hello Marco,

Sorry to hear about all the stress your quad is going through, perhaps you might like to join and online Poly forum such as 'Polyamory Percolations'
There are many experienced and helpful fellow Polys who would be able to give you some advice. Also, it would be helpful if you gave us some idea of what exactly your problems are, rather than the result of the problem.


Marco said...

Thank you. I will most definitely check that site out. And you're right, I will explain the problems very shortly.

Vlad Dolezal said...

I was going to suggest visiting a forum like Natja mentioned. Or just googling it. While there might not be a mainstream BOOK, there's definitely a crapton of resources online with advice on the common problems and drama.

Also, I just noticed it's been almost two months since you posted this. Damn, you keep people waiting for a sequel to this post longer than Steve Jobs keeps the newest Apple gadget a secret :P

Anonymous said...

I'm amazed that you seem not to have discussed this with your wife, only the other man ('The women must love both of us men very much as well')
So, how does your wife feel about him, and about you, and about the other woman?

Marco said...

@Vlad Lmao. I don't take that long now. I mean, after the first two entries....yes. But ever since, I usually aim for an entry a week minimum.

@Anonymous Maybe I could have worded it better. At the time of this particular entry, I was imagining how much love both women had for the men to endure all the drama. But yes, we have discussed it. And love has been outwardly expressed by all.

By the way, thank you both for reading & commenting.

Marius said...

I wonder why you wanted someone to post a verse in the Bible that prohibits polyamory (maybe this has been done already). If you had done a serious read of the Bible you probably wouldn't have to ask the question. Its an interesting topic and maybe unclear at first glance. Having more than one wife and concubine was only permitted by God himself. As we see, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, David and Solomon were permitted to have more than one wife or concubines. Abraham is an interesting example. His wife was Sara. Sara chose (the first wife was the leader of all the women) Hagar to bear him a son. God permitted it. See Genesis chapter 16.
The story of David perhaps is a better example. He was permitted to have many wives but he saw Uriah's wife, Bethsheba, bathing and lusted for her. See 2 Samuel 11:2,27, 12:9-10, 1 Kings 15:5.
In the New Testament only one wife was permitted. Matthew 19:5, Romans 1:24 and 27, Matthew 5:28.
Much joy can be experienced when the effort is put forth to have a faithful monogamous relationship. Of course there are ups and downs but you push through it. Never give up.
I believe it is unwise to wish for one verse to explain everything. You must read the whole story just like with any book.
There are many verses in the Bible that relate to this subject. Genesis 39:7-9, Proverbs 6:32, Jeremiah 29:23, etc.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have questions.

Anonymous said...

I have recently began living Polamorous--a triangle-- Like you I had no idea what I was doing had a name until I started digging. I am a bisexual woman who was initially seeking swinging fun after a failed marriage...got involved with a married couple straight man and bi woman... I've been seeking stories of success so that I can over come some thoughts I've only read your first page but I look forward to reading more and possibly chatting on the subject and experiences I am open with my sexuality with most incluing family and friends but not with this lifestyle the polyamorous I think it just may go over a lot of my loved ones heads :) so I dont have anyone to actually discuss it will outside of my bf/gf...

Anonymous said...

I stumbled accross your site and just had to comment. My wife and I have been poly for many years now. We often spent many a saturday night at the Manor. We live here on LI. I am not one to offer advice, you will have to find your own way. Everyone is different and bring their own baggage to any relationship. But I can share a few thoughts that maybe you haven't realized yet. There ae two types of swingers, the first are couples who are trying to fix their relationship in one way or another. I wont spend time on them as we all know these couples are toxic. The other type of couple, couples like my wife and I and from what you wrote I'm assuming the same. You and your wife got lucky. You found each other. I hate the phrase but "soul mates." Soul mates dont have to work at their relationship, it just works and works well. The honor, respect and generosity pour out of you very being for each other. I know this feeling. Married 14 years and we are still on our honeymoon. No matter how hard you fall for another couple. It's work. A lot of work. Yes, the male ego is part of it but it gets very hard to keep the energy of a new relationship going. You have to define yourselves, what you are willing to give to that relationship, and what your expectations for the future are. A long term poly relationship is very hard to keep going. We have had three short term relationships, two with a couple and one with a single woman. It was just too much work with a couple. It consumes your life. You become addicted to "making time" and you know what, we are all basically the same from the waist down. Its all about the heart, the emotion and of course the passion. I'm rambling now. We wish you luck. John Cindy and Diane (Five years strong) dawnings357@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

Sounds as if this polyrelationship has evolved into one simalar to the one you and your wife had prior entering the eightsum. Interesting! Perhaps trying bisexuality as males in the relationship will help deflate the male ego. What do the women think?

Take it to the next level then the next and next...it is much easier then resolving the conflict within.

Marco said...

I have no interest in exploring any degree of bi-sexuality. But I do hope you enjoyed reading the blog so far. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

What ever happened?

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